6199 - Saturday jokes

Would everyone here for yodeling lessons please form an orderly orderly orderly line?

Our cat knocked over the laundry basket full of freshly ironed clothes. 

I watched it all unfold.

I remember the first time I made love to my wife and I asked her: "Am I the first one?" 

She said: "Why does everyone always ask me that?"

I said to my wife, “This duvet is so soft! What is it made from?"

She replied, “Duck down”. So I squatted and said, “OK, now can you tell me?”

I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza.

What was it like before the crowbar was invented?

Crows drank at home.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

(This gets truer and truer as time goes on.)

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

You know you're getting old when a recliner and a heating pad is your idea of a hot date.

My desire to be well-informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

April 8th, the Sun is getting Mooned.

When my teachers said I should pay attention because I'd need to know this stuff for the future, I didn't realize they meant when my kids were in school and I had to do it all over again.

I started jogging today.

I didn't want to, but the ice cream truck didn't stop.

I've only got two, maybe three Motown puns left in me...

Four tops

What was Jesus's least favorite sport?

Lacrosse.

Do you think you can hurt my feelings? 

I'm an overthinker, I hurt my own feelings.

You have more in common with someone living in a tent than with someone living in a mansion. Class war has you thinking otherwise.

SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.

Adam: The McRib is back!

Eve: Stop calling me that!

A man married two women, Kate for her money, and Edith for her body.

He regularly spent 2 weeks of each month at each wife's home and of course neither Kate nor Edith was aware of the other wife. One day, he slipped up and Kate found phone messages to Edith. Kate called Edith and after talking a bit, both reported him and he was arrested. The charges: having his Kate and Edith too.

April Fools Day is over!

Everything on the internet is true again!

I left the wig shop without my wig because I forgot toupee.

I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. 

Thankfully I was at work.

Last night I went to a bar dressed up as a tennis ball.

I was served right away.

I just phoned my insurance company and told them I'd tipped a bucket of paint over my head.

They said don't worry sir, you're covered.

I'm blown away by my kind and thoughtful bandmates who just sent me a "Get better soon" card.

I wasn't even sick.