Saturday, April 20, 2024

6205 - Saturday jokes

4/20/2024 will be the same date forward and backward.
Be careful, it's probably some kind of stoner paradox.

I'm currently reading a book called 'There's a hole in my bucket!'
By Lee King.

I got a baby frog and decided to get a DNA test for it.
He turned out to be mostly French, a little bit Irish, somewhat German, and a tad Pole.

If you think your life sucks just remember that someone out there is watching a 20 min video on how to be an alpha male.

How is OJ going to fit in his coffin?
Like a glove.

When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor"

The best way to save money is to go into the house and lie down.

I just overheard a 2-year-old refer to her jacket pockets as "snack holes" and that is what I shall call them forevermore.

I've checked all over my charge card but I can't find the charging port!

You can't hurt my feelings. I used to bring the wrong tools to my dad.

In a battle of wits, some people wouldn't even get a participation trophy.

It's a humbling moment when you realize your pet has successfully trained you to do something.

My friend: “What do you call those things you blow and make a wish?"
Me: "Breathalyzer?"

Cop explaining accident to detective: Ironically, the pedestrian he hit because he was on his cell phone was the guy he was on the phone with.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to grow a pear and let that mango.

I can’t find my “Gone In 60 Seconds” DVD.
It was here a minute ago.

What do you call a handyman without any hands?
An army man.

Did you hear about the perfume manufacturer who closed because they were only breaking even on their products?
They said it makes no sense to make scents for no cents.

Aren't time zones WILD?! 
In Europe it's today. 
In China, it's tomorrow. 
In Arizona, it's the 1800s.

Teacher: Class, let’s review your homework assignment. You were supposed to solve a math problem and then see if your parents could solve it and get the same answer. The question is if four men can pave 100 feet of road in three hours, how long would it take 6 men to do it?
Student: My daddy said it’d be the same.
Teacher: And how did he figure that?
Student: Daddy said it wouldn’t go any faster cuz we all know good’n well only two guys will do any work, the rest of ‘em just gonna stand around and watch.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "If I sold everything I had and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" 
"NO!" the children said. 
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything clean, would I get into heaven?" 
Again, they said "NO!" 
"Well, then how can I get to heaven?" 
A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead!"

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.
It sends a message that education is a priority in our household.
And it costs me nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

Calm down, everyone was gonna pay back their student loans as soon as the billionaire tax breaks trickled down to them.

Cemeteries have fences and gates around them because people are dying to get in.

A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”
“Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
“But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
“Get yourself an ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
“Oh, okay!”

One day, the US military decided to take a poll to see how the different branches handle a specific situation, in this case, a scorpion in a service member's tent. One representative from each major branch is selected, and each answers privately.
The question was a simple one: "There is a scorpion in your tent. What do you do?"
Army: "I would crush it with my boot and throw it outside."
Navy: "I would pick it up by the tail and throw it outside."
Marines: "I'd bite its head off before cooking and eating it."
Air Force: "I'd call down to the front desk and ask why there's a tent in my hotel room."

Why is tamales pronounced tamales,
but females is pronounced females instead of females.

Just heard a British person call Oreos 'chocolate sandwich biscuits' and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War happened.

If you want to confuse a banker,
tell him to leave you alone.

After my fourth whiskey, I heard it whisper, "Now is the time to tell people what you really think".

I have a pet Impala.
I call him Vlad...
Vlad the Impala.

HGTV participants...
I work part-time at a daycare and my husband breeds salamanders.
Our budget... 1.3 million.

Internet troll: Stormy Daniels is a parasite that would sell anything for a dollar.
Stormy Daniels: Not true. I wouldn't sell Bibles.

Stormy Daniels already told us he couldn't stay up very long.


River said...

I'm glad I never offered my kids money for every A, I'd still be paying them off after all these years.

Elephant's Child said...

Smiling. And groaning.

Cloudia said...

Interestingly I knew a woman named female (fe mah lay) because her parents thought the nurses had named her that already!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

So many GROANERS! Lots of good ones here this morning,

Kathy G said...

The cemetery one was one of my dad's favorites to tell. Thanks for the memories.

Kirk said...

That five-year-old certainly showed up his Sunday school teacher.

Mike said...

River - I would have made a couple of bucks but not much.

Sue - S & G?

Cloudia - ACK!

Deb - I'm glad. (not Vlad)

Kathy - So that one's been around a while.

Kirk - And he was right!

Bilbo said...

That's the thing about churches ... you've gotta be dead to enjoy any promised benefits.

Mike said...

Bill - And 'enjoy' would be stretching it.