A man is dressing at his gym when his friend walks in from the shower and the friend takes his towel off to get dressed. The friend greets him and goes about the usual small talk. The first man stops him and says, "Sorry I'm going to have to stop you. I'm so sorry, I hope I'm not weirding you out, but holy shit, you have the biggest penis I've ever seen! I couldn't help but notice and I'm so jealous!" The friends look around to make sure no one is listening in.
"I'll let you in on an old family secret. It's not natural. Going back generations, the men in my family grow our Johnsons to be this way. I'll tell you how if you want but you can't tell anyone."
The man is excited at this prospect and says, "Your secret is safe with me! I swear, if you tell me I'll keep it to myself!"
"Okay," says the friend, "here it is. Get yourself a container of lard from the grocery store, along with some burlap and butcher twine. Every morning you lather your member up with the lard. Really get the lard all over it, and be very liberal with the amount. Then when it's good and lathered, wrap your purple-headed yogurt slinger with the burlap. Secure it by tying it with the butcher's twine like a little present. Then put your clothes on and go about your day. Do this every day for 2 weeks and the lard will seep into your shillelagh. It will soak up all the lard and you'll be packing some serious heat."
The man says, "WOW, that's amazing! I'll try that starting tomorrow!"
2 weeks go by and the friends are right back in the locker room at the gym.
"Well, how'd it go"
"Not so good. It didn't work at all! In fact. It has actually gotten smaller!"
"Impossible! It always works! You followed the instructions exactly as I explained?"
"Yes, I followed the instructions exac...well. actually, now that you mention it. The store didn't have any lard so I bought some Crisco instead. Other than that I did everything exactly like you said!"
The friend is dumbfounded. "CRISCO?! You used CRISCO?!?!"
The man doesn't see the issue. " Yeah. I used Crisco, what's the big deal?"
"You can't use Crisco, that's SHORTENING!"
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14 comments:
GROAN.
Ummm, lard is also shortening...I used it to make rock cakes and to make the pastry for the meat pies the station hands ate for morning "smoko" and lunch when I worked in the outback.
Sue - That's what the second guy did.
River - More than you ever wanted to know about shortening. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shortening
The opposite of a short dough is a "long" dough, one that stretches.
GROAN!
I have a great true story about a lady with a shopping cart full of Crisco ...
Ha! That's funny, even if both are shortening! I didn't know the difference.
And I'd like to hear Bilbo's story...
Deb - Lots of groaning going on here today.
Bill - That sounds like great post material.
Allen - I wasn't sure but didn't investigate enough. River corrected me.
You love words and English quirks like I do! Aloha
Another groan from me :-)
Cloudia - English quirks abound in the English language.
Kathy - I think I heard you over here.
They why do cakes get bigger?
Kirk - Because they can rise to the occasion.
That was pretty bad... Love it!
Mark - Bad is good.
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