6215 - Saturday jokes

May the fourth be with you.

The area of the Pacific Ocean is about 63 million square miles.

If it was the Specific Ocean it would be 63.78 million square miles.

The Borg? They sound Swedish.

They're a race of cybernetic beings.

Artificial Swedeners?

My friend said, “Wow! Your wife and daughter look like they are sisters.”

Me: They were separated at birth.

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you, honey,” she says, “is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs and says, “An Italian girl.”

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good” she replies

“And what happened to my present?” he asks.

Confused, she replies “Which present?”

“The one I asked for, the Italian girl” he answers.

With a sly grin, she replies, “Oh that. I did what I could, but we'll just have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl.”

I'm thinking about joining the cicadas this summer and just screaming for 6 weeks straight.

Did you ever get the urge to organize then 2 hours later look at the mess you created and wonder 'What have I done'.

Principal: Hey, your child has been causing problems in school.

Me: My child causes problems at home too, do I ever call you?

Wisdom has been chasing you, but you've always been faster.

Anybody interested in a ride in a helicopter? We need one person to accompany us. We leave early next Sunday morning from City of Derry airport and will fly over Derry and Donegal, then fly to and have lunch at Ballyliffin Golf Club, Then we’ll do a flight along the whole of the Inishowen coast, Up the Banks of the Foyle, etc, then fly back to the City of Derry Airport, If interested, please message! Preferably someone with a helicopter otherwise we can't go.

If you're spending enough time in the restroom to know the genitalia of other people, you're the creep.

A 3D printer that can print guns? Pfft, that's nothing. 

I've had a Canon printer for years.

Well, my employment rejection wasn’t all bad. 

They said my background check kept them entertained for days.

Much of my job as an electrician involved splicing tiny wires. 

Ever since I lost my depth perception I’ve had a hard time making ends meet.

I'm not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.

I may not be a smart man, but I've never bought a bible from the antichrist.

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

I have started yelling "not friendly" to people when someone tries to approach me. I learned it from the dog people.

Last night, someone broke into our house and took a dozen eggs.

They also left a saucepan filled with warm water.

Police believe it was poachers.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.