6219 - Saturday jokes

The trash man left an AA meeting schedule on my trash can.

Not every day "has to count".

Some days are just about making it to the next day.

The man on the news said, "At the end of the day, what's going to keep you safe is common sense."

Some of you are in big trouble.

Moms forcing their kids to take pictures: "Sit your butt down, smile, don't pick your nose, if you don't behave, no ice cream." 

And then post captions like: "The reason I breathe."

A female driver had her engine stalled on a narrow road. A male driver behind her expressed his irritation by honking the whole time. The woman got out of the car, approached the man, and asked, "I can't get my car started, maybe we can switch?  You try to start my car, and I'll honk your horn."

It was so cold yesterday that my computer froze.

I left too many windows open.

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. 

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie. We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked, "How many children do you have? He answered, "Twelve." The agent asked, "Where are the others?" The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother." MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words... and don't forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.

I don't need a "previously on..." reminder. 

I've been watching this show for nine hours straight.

How come humans don't lick each other like dogs do to show affection?

Well, lesbians do.

Overeaters Anonymous hotline...

888 888-8888

Guy: If I had only one day left to live I would have sex with anything that moved. What would you do?

Other guy: Stand very still.

Riding a motorcycle to work is easy.

The hard part is stopping and going inside.

We all know mirrors don't lie.

I'm just grateful that they don't laugh.

You just don't see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

This is the fifth time you've been late for school this week! You know what that means?!

It's Friday?

I just saved tons of money on my car insurance by driving away and not leaving a note.

MY GROCERY STORE USES 6 CHECKOUTS. UNLESS IT'S BUSY, THEN THEY USE 2.

Your pronoun is dumbass. It's gender-neutral.

Just blocked somebody for correcting my grammar and it feeled grate.

To all the husbands out there, Mother’s Day is May 12th. Make sure your wife gets all the housework and yard work done by May 11th so she can enjoy her special day.

It's been said that to find real happiness, you need to learn to love yourself.

My problem is I'm not my type.

Patton Oswald...

You gotta respect everyone's beliefs.

NO YOU DON'T!

That's what gets us in trouble.

You have to acknowledge everyone's beliefs.

And then you have to reserve the right to go, "That's fucking stupid, are you kidding me?!"

If god didn't want us to play with ourselves, she would have given us much shorter arms.

The hatred evangelicals have toward Taylor Swift is because everyone can see she's far more like Jesus than they are.

Her 2023 donations... 50 million for truckers; 30 million for food banks; 20 million for animals. (not verified by me)

Gasoline is so expensive that the mailman had to start working from home…

He called and read my bills to me.

Smoking will kill you. 

Bacon will kill you. 

But smoking bacon will cure it.

I was sitting on a bench in the park near a mother and her young son.

The boy kept looking at me making ugly faces at me.

After a little while I got tired of his antics.

So I said, "When I was young my mother told me that if I made ugly faces my face would freeze that way."

The little shit replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

How many of you knew that before McDonald sold hamburgers, he owned a farm?

6:30 on the clock is the best time.

Hands down.

The tea and coffee are married. The tea leaves.

Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

Happy 5th birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.

When one door opens and another one closes you are probably in prison.

Each time I stretch out on the couch to take a nap, my wife instantly feels compelled to start running the vacuum sweeper. Personally, I think it’s a form of passive-aggressive house cleaning. And because I love to nap, she vacuums A LOT. So, I think I should get credit for all the clean carpets.

I don’t believe in “I” before “E” except after “C”. It’s been disproven by science.

Forest Gump...

Kristi Noem is like a box of chocolates.

They'll both kill your dog.