6236 - Saturday jokes

I have reached an age where my mind says, "I can do that," but my body says, "Try it and you’ll be sorry."

My wife spent an hour at the salon, and when she came home, she got mad because I didn’t notice she had gotten her hair cut. But my spouse would have been REALLY MAD if she’d known I didn’t even notice she had left the house.

It only took 24 hours for your grandpa and crazy Uncle Jethro to spin it into “Jesus was convicted too.”

How difficult is it to get any 12 people to agree on any 1 thing?

Now, multiply that by 34.

A man just knocked on my door and said he was collecting for the orphanage. 

So I gave him one of my kids.

I’m out shopping for buttons, zippers, and Velcro.

I don’t actually need them, but I’m looking for some kind of closure.

When I pass away, everyone must sleep at the graveyard, you can't leave me alone the first night with people I don't know.

Stormy Daniels has set a new world record for pleasuring the most people in a single day.

If you don't use fast food napkins instead of Kleenex in your car, you must be in a whole different tax bracket.

Dear life, when I said "Can my day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

You know you're old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!

Whoever put the S in fastfood is a marketing genius.

The adults of most moth species don't have mouths, but you can help. Donate your mouth to a moth in need.

Remember, the difference between moth and mouth is U.

Her: Dear, would you...

Him: NOT NOW HONEY, FOX is about to tell me what I believe.

At my age, I don't often roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.

Where there's a will...

... there are always relatives.

Does anyone know where I can get fresh ice cubes?

I don't want any of those frozen ones.

I completely misunderstood Pride Month.

Who wants to buy 15 lions?

In honor of Pride Month, I'm using napkins from Chick-fil-A to clog the toilets at Hobby Lobby.

When a man says he will do anything for a woman he means fighting bad guys and killing dragons, not vacuuming or doing dishes.

If someone asks indignantly, "Do you know who my father is?"

Answer, "Didn't your mother tell you?"

Whoever named it "Parmesan Cheese" and not "Spaghetti Confetti" missed a great opportunity.

My half-brother and I are not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.

Why can you drink a drink but you can't food a food?

A good Smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating something.

I joined the Anti-Interrogatory Society last night. All I had to do was show up, no questions asked.

I find that the first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest.

(Well, for some people.)

A guy named Mack had a short-lived business venture. He offered rabbit training classes with no refunds.

There was a lot of interest at first, but people soon realized that rabbit obedience wasn’t as exciting as it sounded.

So Mack offered two sessions at no cost so people could decide if they wanted to continue with the no-refund lessons.

Despite this idea, Mack’s efforts were for naught. Nobody wanted to pay for non-refundable rabbit obedience classes.

Toward the end, people would attend the two free classes and then say, “Just give me my bunny, Mack.”

I'm going to become a doctor and change my last name to Acula.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.

Then there's that horrifying moment when you're looking for an adult but you realize that YOU'RE an adult. So you look for an older adult, someone who's successfully adulting. An adultier adult.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative.

I'm about to start a religious movement.

When I was a kid I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

I don't always have time to fold laundry.

But when I do I don't.

Tapes had sides A and B. So it's only logical that their successor would be the CD.

I need a new friend.

The last one escaped.