Saturday, June 15, 2024

6240 - Saturday jokes

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checkout she learned that one of the items had no price tag or bar code.
The checkout girl got on the public address system which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear. "Price check for Tampax super size."
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'thumbtacks' and replied in a businesslike tone, his voice booming over the same public address system. "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind that you belt in with a hammer?"

Marjorie Taylor Greene warns that windmills will drive up the cost of wind.

I just want to know why my clothes only get stuck on the door handles when I'm in a bad mood.

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.  
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

Evangenitals: Fundamentalist Christians who are constantly interested in what's in someone else's pants.

I'm a modern man. I don't have a problem buying tampons.
But apparently, they are not a proper birthday present.

Trying to think of a tree pun but I'm stumped.

I meant to behave but there were so many other options.

If a bag is not resealable, then it contains one serving.

If Democrats really wanted to troll tRUMP, they would pass a law preventing felons from flying on Air Force One.

Have you ever cleaned your room so good, you walk out just to walk back in to see your good work?

I may be old but I got to see the world before it went to shit.

If you’re waiting for the folks in the cult to come to their senses, then you don’t understand a cult.

Your phone won't auto correct when you have caps lock on because it assumes you're angry and doesn't want to get involved.

To put the candidates in perspective, think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and says, "Can I interest you in the chicken? Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?"
To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

Bacon is our God.
Because bacon is real.

I'm trying to print a .gif file, but whenever I print it out, the picture doesn't move. Am I doing something wrong?

A COUPLE went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors' special” was two Eggs, Bacon, Hash Browns, and Toast for $2.99.
“Sounds good,” the wife said…“but I don't want the eggs..”
“Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,”…the waiter warned her.
“You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?”…the wife asked incredulously.
“YES!”… stated the waiter.
“I'll take the special then,”…the wife said...
“Great…how do you want your eggs?“…the waiter asked.
“Raw and in the shell,”…the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

Cat guy talking to cat girl: Care to explain why the hairball you coughed up doesn't match your coat... or MINE?!

I just found out that dog catchers are paid by the pound.

People who love Chick-fil-A say they could eat there 24/6.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later. (Too true)

I’m just sitting here wondering how I never noticed there’s a turd in Saturday.

I'm very sad to announce that my Origami business has folded.

If somebody is being snarky to you, just say, "Excuse me, you have something stuck in your teeth." They'll be looking for the nearest mirror in a heartbeat.

This fella stopped me in the street this morning and asked me why I was carrying a 9 foot book?
I said: "It's a long story".

Premise: You have 5 minutes before you die. What are you going to do?
Me: Send a text to a friend saying if they don't send that text to 10 other people immediately, I'll die in 5 minutes.

Worker shortage? I called my job from jail to tell them I couldn't make it to work today.
They freakin bailed me out and made me come to work.

Q: What's the biggest lesson that employment has taught you?
A: Efficient workers get punished with more work.

Remember if you work hard enough at your job, you get to do other people's work too.

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job, he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. 
He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

Of all the poop in the world, who decided that bat shit was the craziest?

Diarrhea Awareness Week starts Monday.
Runs through Friday.

Maybe print is dying, but at least when you finish reading a book, there isn't a string of obnoxious comments waiting for you on the last page.

A real man will never stand there and watch his woman pay for anything.
He'll go and wait in the car.

I came in early today and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. 
Some might say I'm a monster but others will say nomster.

I could never join a cult.
I hate meetings.

I can't watch a movie where a dog dies.
But I can watch a serial killer movie where 27 people are murdered.

There were two huge black birds stuck together.
They were velcrows.

Once you hit a certain age, you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of stuff.

Wife: (annoyed) “You care more about the dog than you do me.”
Me: (considers it) “Not true. I’d say it’s about equal.”
Wife: (agitated) “I’m serious.”
Me: (happy to explain) “It’s just that the dog never wants to talk.”
Wife: (furious) “If you want silence, I’ll give you silence!”
Me: (doubtful) “And the dog never gets my hopes up.”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it?
Doughnuts never do that.


River said...

Love the smart lady taking those eggs home :)
Had some serious giggles here, thanks.

Elephant's Child said...

Evangenitals: is my favourite today, but I smiled often. Thank you. And hooray for smart older women.

Bilbo said...

I thought I was the only person whose belt loops get stuck on door handles.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Velcrows -- GROAN!

Ole phat Stu said...

I once made a bad landing, too fast, in my airplane and the tower broadcast for all to hear "cleared to bounce all way to the ramp."

Kathy G said...

I have a pair of shorts that are the perfect length to catch on the kitchen cabinet handles whenever I'm hustling to get things done in there.

allenwoodhaven said...

Lots of laughs! Love the "I may be old..." Funny and true.. Love the breakfast special too. Thanks!

Mike said...

River - I was waiting for "I'll take the special, hold the eggs".

Sue - That's two votes for the old gal.

Bill - Nope. But it's my cargo shorts lower pockets that like to grab kitchen door handles.

Deb - It's a new lineage of the standard crow.

Stu - You were just trying to shake the clouds off that were stuck to your wings.

Kathy - Shorts and kitchen door handles are my problem too.

Allen - Another vote for the old gal.

Lady M said...

Hee hee - I bet your bag of salad sits in your fridge for a month but the donuts don't last 5 minutes. Tampons for a birthday present is pretty funny. I should also remember that text one for my deathbed.

Mike said...

Lady - Donuts don't last very long around our house.