6249 - Saturday jokes

Maybe the 10 Commandments should be posted in the RNC Headquarters instead of public schools.

Posting The Ten Commandments in Louisiana public schools should open the doors for also posting The Five Pillars of Islam, The Five Precepts of Buddhism, and The 7 Tenets of Satanism.

I see your 10 commandments and raise you 34 convictions.

If your state ranks 47th in education, maybe you should require schools to post the ABCs instead of the Ten Commandments.

A friend has inspired me to suggest that we organize a free trip for Clarence Thomas this summer to Haiti, where he can experience real life without an administrative state, and where everyone has a gun with a bump stock.

Nobody's (more stubborn) smarter than an Android person who won't switch to an iPhone.

I keep waiting for someone to tell me, “Yeah, I was a fruit picker until those illegals showed up.”

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same!

Finally, my bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baking, and dinner is in the dryer. I got this!

It’s said that necessity is the mother of all inventions. That being said, you may find it interesting to find that the modern dishwasher was actually not created as a timesaving appliance. In 1886, a woman by the name of Josephine Cochrane created a hand-powered washing machine because her servants kept chipping her china.

I just fired all my servants for the same thing.

I heard a leak in a dyke can be plugged up with a finger.

(Deb - I know I left this comment on your blog but it was too good not to put it here also. I made it up myself!)

Response from Deb on her blog... "Lesbians sometimes refer to their hands as "Dutch boy fingers".

Her: If you cut off my reproductive choice can I cut yours off?

Her: I'm in a really bad place in my life right now.

Him: Louisiana?

Conversation tip: Ask people questions that give them an opportunity to talk about themselves.

Like... What the hell is wrong with you?

My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill so I got him a get well soon card.

I was late to church, the only place to sit was by a man who passed gas during the service, so I sat in his pew.

Every time I see a crackhead on a bike, I yell, "That's my bike!" Just to see how fast they can pedal.

I just bought a sweet car online.

It was previously owned by Neil Diamond.

Wouldn't be ironic if Popeye's chicken was cooked in Olive Oil?

Police officer: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: It's 103 degrees out there, you get in my AC-cooled car and tell me what your problem is.

When I was a kid I would not have guessed the world would turn out to be as dumb as it is.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch.

Once met a girl named Genesis. I asked if her father was God or Phil Collins, at which point she made her exodus.

The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.

According to the legend, there are people who make their bed every day. 😆

I've reached the age where I appreciate a nice handrail.

Q: If someone wanted to give you $200 because they thought you were ugly, would you take the money?

Me: Absolutely, I'm ugly, not stupid.

Q: What's the perfect date for you?

Them: It's the DD/MM/YYYY format. Simple and straightforward.

Me: Ever since 946684801, I've used the Unix Timestamp.

(946684801 = 00:00:01 (a.m.) January 1, 2000)

Did you know 14 muscles are activated when opening a bottle of wine?

Fitness is my passion.