6253 - Saturday jokes

The next time I go over to someone's house, and if they piss me off or make me mad at all, I'm going to go over to their office printer and do the latest firmware update.

Good luck printing now bitch!

Waiter: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?

Me: Yes.

Waiter: Say when.

Me: How about right now?

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me 'We should have sex while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said 'You've won my trust'. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

If you count your money when it comes out of the ATM machine, you're officially in the "don't trust a damn thing" zone.

Just went in the drive-thru at Taco Bell and I gave the lady a $50 bill. She takes the bill, lays it on the counter, and takes the marker and marks it to see if the money is real or fake. She promptly hands it back to me and says, "Sir I cannot accept this money, it's counterfeit. You see the dark line? That means it's counterfeit!" 

So I tell her, wow this money is straight from the bank. She hands it back to me so I hand her another $50 bill. She lays it on the counter and marks it. Yep, this one is counterfeit too. So I'm like WOW! Both of my $50's are fake? 

At this point, I had one important question. Miss, are you using a Sharpie? 

She takes a loooooooooong look at the marker.

Due to personal reasons, I am going to continue posting jokes instead of seeking professional help.

"Being better than Trump cannot be the standard because Donald Trump is the absence of standards."

If I walk into your business, and I hear Fox News, I'm walking right back out.

tRUMP didn’t make a single factual statement in 90 minutes. I will still trust the guy who had a bad night.

Do men look at their wives' faces during sex?

I did once and she looked very angry.

Especially because I refused to roll down the window.

The library moved Orwell's 1984 to nonfiction.

A man goes to a proctologist for an exam.

The man takes off his pants and the proctologist goes, "I can't believe I'm about to say this, it's completely unprofessional, but I have to say... You must have the nicest ass I've seen in my entire life!"

The man timidly responds, "Thank... you?"

Doc goes, "Mind if I numb it a bit before the procedure?"

Man says, "Uhh, okay?" 

The doctor takes a deep breath, leans in, and goes, "num num num num num num."

Man goes to his Doctor for his first prostate exam.

Doctor-"Remove your pants and bend over the table" as he proceeds to put on a rubber glove and lubes it up.

The Doctor inserts his finger and begins to probe.

Doctor- "You shouldn't feel any pain and don't mind the erection".

Patient- "Doctor, I don't have an erection".

Doctor- "I wasn't talking about you".

I just came across my husband’s Tinder profile, and I am so angry about his lies.

He is not “fun to be around!”

I always get so frustrated when I put clothes away in my closet.

I think I have hanger management issues.

I used to have a real problem with slapping celebrities' asses.

It was when I slapped Dwayne Johnson that I finally decided to get help. I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

Susie was a chemist

Susie is no more 

For what she thought was H2O 

Was H2SO4

I never finish anything.

I have a black belt in Partial Arts.

What do you call an Irish lesbian?

Gaelic.

I fell asleep in church but got up when I heard the preacher say, "Stand up!" 

And when I did, the whole congregation burst into applause.

Then the preacher said, "Thank you, Kathleen! And who else loves God enough to donate $2,000?"

I asked everyone what IDK stands for and nobody knows.