6257 - Saturday jokes

Him: What's your favorite Pink Floyd song?

Her: Pink Floyd? I didn't know she had a last name.

Maybe money doesn't buy happiness, but I'm accepting donations to test that theory.

I have reached an age where my mind says, "I can do that," but my body says, "Try that and you’ll be sorry."

If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.

From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful.

A woman tries to cut off her lover's penis, but she missed and cut his thigh.

Charged with misdaweiner.

If I'm ever on Family Feud, I'm going to make one of my answers "your butthole".

Just so I can hear Steve Harvey yell out "Show me your butthole".

No matter how sad their story is don't let anyone move into your house.

Triscuts are a perfect snack for anyone who has ever had the urge to eat wicker furniture.

Every time the cashier says, "Do you want your milk in a bag?", I say, "No you can leave it in the jug", no one ever laughs!

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

My "save for later" cart on Amazon is currently up to 1.2 million dollars.

She believed she could do it.

But it was 101 degrees and humid outside so she didn't.

I grounded my kid. So to keep himself busy he took all the labels off the cans of food in the kitchen.

My doctor told me my weight was perfect.

I'm just 11 feet too short.

A pastor was giving a children's sermon on vestments and asked, "Why do you think I wear this collar?"

One kid answered, "Because it kills ticks and fleas for 30 days?"

My entire life can be summed up in one sentence...

'Well, that didn't go as fucking planned!'

When you sleep, do you sleep well?

   Yes, I just close my eyes and travel far away.

But you snore.

   I travel by tractor.

That look on your face when you're about to post something that will get you unfollowed.

I don't care how good the handsoap smells,

You should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your fingers.

Kid: What game are you playing?

Me: I'm paying bills.

Kid: Are you winning?

Me: No.

The internet is fascinating. I can type something and thousands of miles away someone is offended by it. It's kind of magical.

Me: I'd like a Coke, please.

Waitress: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Monopoly money okay?

Welcome to adulthood, where you get irritated when they rearrange the grocery store.

I'm proud to announce that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list.

I have the bucket.

Your secrets are safe with me because there's a good chance I wasn't listening.

A husband buys his wife 12 panties of the same color.

Wife: Why the same color? People will think I don't change my panties.

Husband: Which people?!

I just finished 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube off the kitchen floor.

I need to stop talking to myself, I’m a bad influence.

You can walk around the grocery store and eat grapes and nobody will bother you. 

But as soon as you eat a rotisserie chicken here comes security.

I seriously need a speed bump between my brain and my mouth.

Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so they can be easily cropped out later.

Please read carefully as you will only be given one form to fill out.

First name: John Smith

Last name:

I accidentally dropped a plate and it broke perfectly in half.

I was so excited about it that I showed my wife.

She was not as excited as I was.

(It's a guy thing.)

I make bad decisions when I'm drunk but the sober ones haven't been that great either.

It's not an empty nest until they get their stuff out of the basement.

They say it's never too late to start exercising, so I'll wait until later.

Defibrillators repulse me.