6260 - Saturday jokes

Doctor: I'm just waiting for your x-ray.

Her: But I've never dated anyone named Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame at the base, eventually it gets sucked into the bottle?

If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me.

I know a guy named Stew. He's a soupervisor.

I was sitting on the front porch watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.

An old woman comes to the fence and yells, "You should be hung!"

I yelled back, "I am, that's why she's mowing the lawn".

2 hydrogen buffalos and 1 oxygen buffalo equals 1 water buffalo.

My husband pissed me off so I told him to go call his girlfriend.

My phone rang. It was him. He asked to talk to personality #4 because #1 was having a bad day.

"He's not a hero. He thinks he is a hero because his ear was nicked. I like people who didn’t have their ear nicked."

- The Ghost of John McCain

Why did the RNC choose Trump?

Because he was earmarked for the job.

Let's go Thomas!

Make America Aim Again.

Why didn't someone yell, "DONALD, DUCK!"

He mocked people’s injuries, infirmities, and handicaps for years, now he’s acting like he just survived 6 months in combat with a Silver Star and 3 Purple Hearts.

Live your life in such a way that the entire world isn't ready to throw a party when you get shot.

90% of my Google search history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell.

Two things to make your day better:

1. Don't watch the news.

2. Stay off the bathroom scale.

You can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you.

Oh bummer... I got an email last night... From HR... "We have to talk."  What is strange is that I'm the only employee in my own business.

Why do billionaires care if they lose their money?

They'll just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and make it all back with their unbelievable work ethic.

Plus if they're poor, all the money will trickle back down to them, making them rich again.

If you try to correct my grammar I will think fewer of you.

That look you give your boyfriend when he accuses you of cheating and you think he's starting to sound just like your husband.

Him: Where you going?

Her: I'm going to donate some old clothes to starving people.

Him: Yeah, if they're wearing your clothes, they're not starving.

They should teach history in school again so kids can learn that people who steal top-secret military documents are called spies.

If Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief?

The same, actually.

A new report finds the most effective way to run well and recover quickly is to be 20 years old.

Whenever I have to fill out a form that asks who to call in case of emergency, I always put ambulance. Because no one in my family is going to answer a call from an unknown number.

Buy some CBD toilet paper so you can calm your ass down.

I've never been insulted by hateful Satanists for not believing in their Devil.

Only by loving Christians for not believing in their God.

Ricky Gervais

Isaac Newton discovered gravity in 1687.

Before that, people could fly.

Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to 'unstable'.

Them: Why is your password 917201999?

Me:

91 7 20 19 99 (Table of elements)

PA N CA  K ES

OK, hear me out: An old-fashioned candy necklace but with Tums and Ibuprofen.

Old guy on the computer: "There's no such thing as a 3 1/2-inch floppy these days."

Wife: "I think you'll find there is."