6269 - Saturday jokes

I hate it when people ask me if I did anything exciting over the weekend...like I'm over here skydiving. I'm old. I went to Costco, did some laundry, ate too much food, and took a nap.

A huge part of marriage is asking the other person if they have "any thoughts on dinner?" every day for the rest of your life.

On my flight back to DC both pilots were women which sparked a debate amongst our group about whether using the term "cockpit" was appropriate. We decided to call it a "clitpit", which also makes it highjack proof since male highjackers would never be able to find it.

JD Vance's couch is polling higher than JD Vance right now.

Also, JD Vance is probably polling his couch right now.

A friend who has worked in Chicago his entire life tells me it's not that violent.

His job is tail gunner on a school bus.

If you are getting sick of being bored, eat a clock. It's time-consuming.

Barbie: My product was first launched in Japan.

Oppenheimer: Mine too.

Me as a kid: [Falls 10 feet from the monkey bars] "I'M OK".

Me now: I tried to scoop ice cream that was just a little too frozen and I dislocated my shoulder.

I was born a male and identify as a male.

But according to Stouffer's lasagna, I'm a family of four.

I prefer Christians who get upset about poverty, racism, war, and injustice rather than art they don’t understand.

Apparently, the wound on his ear healed. I'm still waiting for the hole under his nose to close up.

New book: Everything I don't like is THE DEVIL!

The emotional Bible thumpers guide to the 2024 Olympics opening.

The greatest difference between a man and a woman is the meaning of "What an ass".

Just before sweet potatoes are slaughtered they become very quiet.

This is known as the silence of the yams.

When I'm bored I go to porn sites and write in the comment section:

"Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.

I wish I had enough money to discover that it doesn't make me happy.

Driving by myself is exhausting because I have to be the lead singer, the backup singers, the dancers, etc.

Cheating on me is easy. Finding out why your car won't start anymore is expensive.

People make fun of my cargo shorts until they need a ratchet set or a pulled pork sandwich.

If laziness was an Olympic sport I would make sure that I came in 4th so I wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium.

The number of people who confuse “to” and “too” is mind blowing two me.

Wouldn’t it be a great move, morally and politically if Kamala Harris chose Liz Cheney as her VP.

Elon now says he is punishing people who use the term ‘weird’ to disparage supporters of OrangeMan. BWAHAHAHAHAHA

I showed my blog to my psychiatrist and she wants to talk to all of you.

So I get to the counter to pay for my items and the cashier says, “May I have your number starting with area code?” I said, “What, are you lonely? Call a friend."

No one tells a better story than someone wanting to borrow money.

I’m not saying softball pitchers are dishonest.....

Just underhanded.....

Never baptize a cat. Apparently, they don't like it when you try to save their soul. Trust me. 

I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down. But I had to use my arms to get up So... you know, close enough.

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It's just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can't see wind.

FOR SALE - Dead Budge

Not going cheep.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink, and be Mary.

I've been watching girls' beach volleyball.

10 minutes into the game and there's been a wrist injury already.

Hopefully, I'll be OK for the weekend.

Merve found his wife Linda in bed with one of his friends, so he shot him. Linda said, if you keep doing that you won’t have any friends left!

By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

He was White and then all of a sudden he became Orange. Someone should look into that.

My doctor says I'm healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

Remember that one girl from high school who said she'd only go out with you if the world was ending?

This may be the year to call her.