6278 - Saturday jokes

Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't do stupid shit is FIRED!

So are you seeing anyone?

You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

All I'm saying is that MF grew an ear back like a salamander.

Better woke than weird.

If anybody knows how to handle a bully, it's a prosecutor and a high school coach.

Make fixing a printer an Olympic sport.

You never forget the sound of dial-up internet.

You just heard it, didn't you?

Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.

(If you need one, I'm available.)

What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?

Stationary.

Just a reminder, you’re never too old to throw random shit in people's shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

Audi licence plate...

OR INNIE

I’m so single right now that I stood on the edge of a cliff and shouted, "I love you". And my echo replied, “I just want to be friends.”

Remember, no one can prove you weren't a regional manager for RadioShack or Toys'R'Us.

It's stupid that you can't smoke with kids in the car anymore.

Look how wet they're getting standing out in the rain.

My ancestors navigated the ocean using stars and I'm over here missing my exit with GPS.

The first rule of our “Condescending Club” is quite complex and I don’t think you would understand it even if I explained it to you.

.

We members of the Procrastinator's Club will be discussing this at length. Maybe tomorrow or sometime in the future. Not sure when. We're going to meet soon to try to set up a time for the meeting when the members can decide when they might be available. I think.

I've made some bad choices in life but I've never bought a pair of crocs.

With football season quickly approaching, I just want to remind everyone to check game times before scheduling birthday parties, weddings, gender reveals, and funerals.

When asked if I know someone who actually used a floppy disk I have to say, "Well of course I know him. He's me".

I'm glad you're learning to laugh at yourself.

It was getting kind of awkward for the rest of us.

I think Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.

My toxic trait is that I merge onto the highway like I'm leaving a NASCAR pit box.

Why in the world did they ever take this show off the air?

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Born to be a gynecologist...

Howie Feltersnatch, MD

Doctor: What's wrong?

Her: Nothing...

Doctor: I'm your Doctor, not your husband.

I still miss that part of 2020 when it was illegal for anyone to come near me.

This new generation does not like WORKING. You could give them a job SLEEPING and they'll WAKE UP and QUIT. 

(HA! Not me. It would be too much trouble to wake up to quit.)

I don't believe in God, but I do believe in WIFI.

No matter how much you pray, God will never tell you where the best hamburger in town is.

With my God WIFI, I get the answer in three seconds, spoken through the prophet Google, and delivered by the apostle Yelp.

In the name of the modem, the router, and the holy signal. Amen.

Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here.

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. 

Those who prevent history from being taught intend to repeat it.

Samsungs new fridge will ping your phone if you leave the door open.

(Why TF doesn't it just close the door if it's so smart!)

If your child watches the same video over and over so many times that they know it by heart,

switch the language and let them learn Spanish.

The only thing I hate more than having a dirty house is cleaning.

Me: When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself. The nurse does it.

Nurse: I understand sir, but it doesn't work that way at a sperm bank.

In order to drive an electric car you must possess a current driver's license.

Last month I did the unthinkable and finally threw out that box of extra cables I've been saving my whole life.

Today I realized that I needed one of them and have no idea how to find a replacement.

CONSIDER THIS A WARNING TO EVERYONE.