6283 - Saturday jokes

The homeless always find markers to write signs. I can never find one in my house.

Using Fox News to support your arguments is like saying you’re a marine biologist because you watch Sponge Bob Squarepants.

I'm trying to figure out how to tell my boss I don't want to work anymore but I still want the money.

Why do some people pronounce the G in longevity twice?

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor and this is how the war against the machines begins.

Cop: Sir, this spot is for handicapped parking only.

Driver: The Earth is flat!

Cop: Sorry for bothering you. Have a nice day.

Walmart is giving out free school supplies to anyone who can outrun security.

Fox News did to our parents what our parents were afraid video games would do to us. - Steven King

Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity. - Carl Sagan

How is a $7,500 tax credit for buying a Tesla capitalism, but the $25,000 tax credit for buying a house is communism?

That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you're actually dumb.

If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.

It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance.

Patient: I have an imaginary girlfriend.

Shrink: You can do better.

Patient: I don't think I can.

Shrink: I was talking to your girlfriend.

Believing that your behavior is affected by the phases of the moon is lunacy.

Gynecologist: What are you using for birth control?

Patient: My personality.

My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

Vice-President Harris's speech avoided all the tough issues:

1) electric boats vs sharks;

2) low-flow toilets not flushing it all down;

3) steam vs electric carrier catapults as relative measures of naval power;

4) inability to watch TV on wind power when the wind isn't blowing; and,

5) no position on Hannibal Lecter as the leading candidate for either Surgeon General or FDA Administrator.

I made a huge to-do list for today.

I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

I had a lot of stuff to do today.

Now I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.

Interviewer: Do you have any accomplishments at your last job?

Me: I'm personally responsible for several new rules in the employee handbook.

Interviewer: Impressive. You wrote them?

Me: That's not what I said.

If I was a plastic surgeon I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.

Living with a dog is mostly following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth.

My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make a sarcastic comment.

Somedays, the supply of available swear words are insufficient to meet my demands.

Listen, I still want to be invited, but I'm not coming.

Don't invite me to places. I was cesarean. I didn't want to come out then, and I certainly don't want to now.

I ate healthy and exercised today.

I'd better wake up skinny tomorrow!

Here's an idea, let's stop making stupid people famous.