6287 - Saturday jokes

I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "eat right and exercise" scams.

Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores.

They will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.

Woke up this morning and found out that someone had put vegetables in the beer crisper.

You’d be amazed how often I'm wrong when people ask me, “Guess what?"

Accidentally went shopping on an empty stomach and am now the proud owner of aisle 5.

Old age is when it takes longer to get over a good time than to have it.

The other day my daughter (7) wanted to challenge me in math and asked "What 8 + 8?”.

"16" I replied. Ok then, so what's 16+16, she asked. "32!"

Woah dad, that was fast!

I even can say 32+32 is 64!

Woooah! But Dad, how did you do that so fast!

I have no idea.

I was out of town when a friend from work messaged me. Hey dude, I was at a bar and saw your wife. She didn't know who I was and she hit on me. I just thought you should know she's out there cheating on you. I messaged him back and said hey that's for letting me know my wife tried to cheat on me. No, dude. She cheated on you. And she needs a ride home. Can you come by and pick her up on your way home?

I just found out my wife likes to be choked during sex.

But it turns out she doesn't like to be choked during a fight.

NYT Opinion Piece: Joy is Not a Strategy.

Response: Servile Simping to Ancient Orange is Not Journalism.

What's a scam that's so normalized that we don't even realize it's a scam anymore?

A credit score system that requires debt in order to keep high creditworthiness and falls when you pay off a loan.

I joined a dating site for people my age.

It's called Carbon Dating.

Another site I found is called Shingles Only.

When I go for walks I worry about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet.

But I also worry about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

It's tough getting older.

I went into an antique store and they wouldn't let me leave.

I went to the doctor because I thought I had arthritis.

I don't, I have early onset rigor mortise.

I spent the day converting my sons' bedroom into my home office.

That should get him to move out!

Yesterday the guy that was supposed to fix my doorbell didn't show up.

Or did he...

I have a friend who's an atheist who asked me, how can you believe God exists when you can't see him?

Well, I believe Home Depot employees exist...

I suggested to the National Park Service that we release clay pigeons back into the wild.

The idea was immediately shot down.

There is no such thing as unskilled labor.

There is only underpaid labor.

I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and nobody laughed.

Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Not only does the word "avocado" come from the ancient Aztec word for "testicle", but the word "guacamole" quite literally translates to "testicle sauce".

(Snopes...

What's True

"Avocado" comes from a Nahuatl word also meaning "testicle."

What's False

"Guacamole" does not directly translate as "testicle sauce.")

A Missionary group visited a Cannibal Tribe in New Guinea.

It was their first taste of Religion.

If it's so great outside, why do bugs try to get in my house?

If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".

Remember back before OnlyFans when your mom just sold Avon?

A man going on a honeymoon cruise stopped to buy seasick pills and condoms. 

The druggist said, "If it makes you sick, why do you do it?"

If you suck at playing the trumpet that's probably why.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. 

How I learned this rule is not important.

I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. 

They're just gonna climb in your mouth when you're sleeping anyway.

Five out of six scientists have proven that Russian roulette is harmless.

The best part of Kamala’s tax on wealth is if you don’t have $100 million, it won't affect you. 

(If you are reading this, that includes you and everyone you've ever known)

Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.