6295 - Saturday jokes

That feeling you get when you're the tech person in the family and you hear that grandma got a new phone.

If you need the threat of hell to be a good person, then you're just a bad person on a leash.

I know it's hard for some people to believe, but it's entirely possible to have a fulfilling, rewarding life without owning an AR-15.

Technically speaking there is a lot of food in this house.

However, none of it is sweet and none of it is microwaveable.

Therefore, there is no food in this house.

The movie "Reagan" bombed at the box office. But I'm sure the billions paid by moviegoers to watch better movies will trickle down to the "Reagan" box office.

About to pull some steaks off the grill. It’s my neighbor’s grill, but he went inside and I don’t think he can see me.

If there's watermelon, shouldn't there be earthmelon, firemelon, and airmelon? The elemelons.

The leading cause of injury in old men is them thinking they are still young men.

Certain beers give me a terrible hangover. I've narrowed it down and I think it's the 18th one.

Amazon is just a secret plot by cats to get more cardboard boxes.

I have some competition racing geese for sale if anyone wants to take a gander.

Walmart thinks I want to put up my Christmas tree and eat turkey while wearing my Halloween costume.

Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.

If you're in hell and get mad at someone, where would you tell them to go?

Boss: Your performance has dropped recently.

Worker: I know. It finally matches my salary.

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

Running feels great unless you compare it to not running.

The debate? Normally men have to pay to be dominated like that.

He wears high heels, orange makeup, a girdle, and refers to his hair as strawberry blonde. All we have to do is get him to read a book to children and he’d be kicked out of Florida.

The reason fact-checkers “only went after him” is ‘cuz you only have to fact-check lies.

Them: She had special earrings that made her win.

Us: How would her earrings make him say incredibly stupid shit?

Her ability to stop herself from saying "this motherfucker" on national television requires the kind of willpower most of us could never dream of.

I want a shirt that has a QR code on it for some kind of horrible malware so that if anyone tries to film me in public their phone will scan the code and be reduced to a functionless brick.

Me: The doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it.

Not me: No. He said you could have a stroke at any time.

I set a new culinary milestone today.

I set off the neighbor's smoke alarm.

Most people don't know that the opposite of a Croissant is actually a happy uncle.

I'm still amazed at how many people can confuse the term '...doing their research' with the action '...conclusion-shopping their insane hypothesis'.

If you carve a pumpkin in September, it's called premature ejaclolantern.