6310 - Saturday jokes

Her: You wanna go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Her: You got protection?

Me: Why, what's up there?

I'm getting stronger with age. I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand.

If someone who can't speak English with no education is able to walk across the border and take your job, well...

Sex is like a gas station.

Sometimes you get full service.

Sometimes you gotta ask for service.

And sometimes you have to be happy with self-service.

Your mom is so slow it took her 9 months to make a joke.

Spice up Halloween by giving out chocolate covered brussels sprouts.

If ignorance really was bliss we’d have a lot more really happy people.

I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, "Yes, I’ve got a dog."

She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"

I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!" 

Insomnia sufferers. Only 3 more sleeps until Christmas.

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.

So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"

She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.

As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the ground outside McDonald's."

"Thank you so much," she said, "Where is it?"

I said, "I've just told you, on the ground outside McDonald's."

How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine." "Are you sure?", she asked.  “I'm sure", I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not" I replied  ...

“Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's

journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said,

"Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!" 

The dying man said nothing. 

The priest repeated his order. 

Still the man said nothing. 

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" 

The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm

heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

A traveling salesman is passing through a small town in Texas when he sees a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a house.  He's between calls, so he stops and says to the little old man, "You look like you don't have a care in the world.  What's your formula for a long and happy life?"

"Well," says the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day.  I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week.  I never wash and I go out every night.  I usually don't get to bed before four in the morning."

"Wow, that's incredible." says the salesman.  "Just how old are you, anyway?"

And the little man says, "Twenty-two!"

“What common English word contains all the vowels in order? I should warn you that the answer is facetious.” 

Tom runs into his old friend Bob and notices that Bob looks a little depressed.... 

Tom said, "Bob, what's wrong? 

Bob said, "I just found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Oh, no!" said Tom, "What did you say to your wife?" 

"I told her to pack her bags and get out of my life!" replied Bob.

"Wow," Tom said, "What did you say to your best friend?" 

"Bad dog!  Bad dog!"

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven.

Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."

Saint Peter says, "Enter."

The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.

The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."

Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."

As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for 3 days." 

Irving and Esther are in bed one morning.  He takes her hand, and she says, "Don't touch me."

Irving says, "Why not?"

Esther answers, "Because I'm dead."

Irving says, "What are you talking about? We're lying here talking to one another."

Esther says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Irving insists, "You're not dead. What makes you think you're dead?"

Esther answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning, and nothing hurts."