6315 - Saturday jokes

My level of sarcasm is to the point where even I don’t know if I’m kidding or not.

The flat earther,

the anti-vaxxer,

the moon landing denier,

the climate change denier,

the chemtrails believer...

Together they make up "The Illiterati".

If I combine the DNA of a possum, a billy goat, and a manatee...

Would that be a possibility?

Did you know every 8 seconds some woman in the world is having a baby?

We have to find her and make her stop.

A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite of humans.

The dog says, "They even have named a tooth, canine, after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more".

The cat says, "You're not going to win this one, doggy".

Our town is so small we have to take turns being the town drunk.

We'll we'll we'll, if it isn't autocorrect.

"Et al" is a misspelling of what I do at a buffet.

Cubic containment object - box

Misapplication elimination device - eraser

Follicle redistribution mechanism - comb

Vermin disinfestation apparatus - fly swatter

Horizontal tranquility terminal - bed

Columbus Day - The day you can take anyone's stuff and claim you found it.

A man walks into a hardware store...

Man - Do you have any two-watt bulbs?

Clerk - For what?

Man - Ok, I'll do that. I'll take two.

Clerk - Two what?

Man - I thought you didn't have any.

Clerk - Any what?

Man - OK then! Two!

Clerk - What?!

Man - Exactly!

IT guy had a user who called once. She was furious so he asked her what the issue was. She said another department ran out of paper so she faxed them an entire ream and they didn't receive it. She said she needed someone to fix the fax machine immediately.

I can’t wait until we turn on our TV and never see the OrangeMan on there ever again.

If you, your friends, your family, and your neighbors do the right thing, he will be gone. For good.

Sign in McDonald's window...

Great news!

We found Mark's finger!

Safe to order fries again!

My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep. 

Apparently "I know" was not the right answer.

Studies show that short people are more down to earth.

I just bought a sweet car online.

Previous owner Neal Diamond!

I believe Donald Trump was sent by God.

Why? Did he run out of locusts?

The squirrels know it's going to be a cold winter. They're gathering more nuts. When are they coming for tRUMP?

They say a banana a day cleans your colon.

Then I found out you're supposed to eat them.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

I asked my 8 year old what she learned at school today. She said: “Apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow.”

I found a new technique to improve my memory. I quit listening to people, so I have less crap to remember.

I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Tough parenting requires that you tell your kids that they need to clean their rooms before they can have a donut while you sit eating donuts yelling, "Hurry, they're almost gone".

I love it when my pets sigh. Like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader?

Teacher: Ralph, why do you have your cat with you today.

Ralph: Because I heard my dad tell my mom, "I'm going to eat that pussy once our son leaves for school".

A perk of being my friend. You'll get to be the normal one.

I told my 4-year-old she couldn’t open any candy yet, so she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.

I'm telling everyone about the benefits of dried fruit.

It's all about raisin awareness.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?

Because they are such fungis.

Where are average things manufactured?

In the satisfactory.

After watching a whole lot of murder mysteries, I've come to the conclusion that serial killers only murder women with matching bras and panties. This makes me feel very safe.

Once a hard working employee.

After leaving the organization, an unknown user.

I haven’t tried yoga, but I bent over to pick up my car keys. 

I’m pretty sure I’d hate yoga.

Why were we taught to fear witches but not the people who burned them alive?