6319 - Saturday jokes

Napoleon and his wife are buried next to each other.

They're only a bone apart.

I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn't like my critter sizing.

The other day I went to a Rocky Mountain oyster fry.

Everybody there had a ball.

After spending the holidays accurately measuring the height of all my relatives, I just can't taller rate them anymore.

Someone told me in order to drive an electric car, you must possess a current driver's license.

I used to have a job making certain chess pieces.

I worked the knight shift.

A baby camel was born without a hump. 

His parents named him Humphrey. 

Some people get weird as they get older. Not me, I’ve always been this way.

No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We’ll both regret it soon enough.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention botox and no one raises an eyebrow.

The more time I spend with people, the more I understand why Noah allowed only animals on the ark.

I ran into a lamppost yesterday.

Luckily, I only sustained light injuries.

The other night I told my daughter "Go to bed, even the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "So what's that got to do with anything?" I replied, "That means it's pasture bedtime."

This just in: Unnamed sources say unconfirmed rumors have been totally substantiated by unverifiable facts.

Oh No! Clocks go back November 3rd, and I can't remember where I bought mine from!

If someone tries to teach me geometry, I’m gonna do a 360 and walk the other way!

Men will vote republican for decades because they can’t accept light regulation on guns and then act astonished when women vote based on not wanting to die from sepsis.

Schools can't even serve peanut butter cookies, but they're doing secret gender reassignment surgery on students?

“He’s no Arnold Palmer.” — Stormy Daniels

Imagine you thought you had a keeper until they texted you, 

"What time Pie Pies chicken clothes?"

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 5 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."

The four stages of life...

1. You believe in Santa Claus.

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3. You are Santa Claus.

4. You look like Santa Claus.

Her: I'm sorry, I'm leaving you. I've been seeing someone else.

Him: How long?

Her: About 10 inches.

Fun to watch, Evangelicals voting for a rapist who dances to gay music and talks about Arnold Palmer's dick. What a role model.

Until tRUMP ran for president in 2016, I didn't realize how many truly awful people there were in this country.

Against student loan forgiveness?

Well, isn’t filing for bankruptcy 6 times just another name for “loan forgiveness.”

I love this time of year... when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display.

I hate it when I write a sarcastic post and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.

It saddens the hell out of me that people I grew up with or am related to have turned into people that I wouldn't tell where Anne Frank was hiding.

America is inching towards the metric system.