6322 - Saturday jokes

Interesting reading...

Making Marriage Work

by Henry VIII

I've been on a diet for two weeks and have lost 14 days of happiness.

You know you're getting old when the clothes you used to wear are now Halloween costumes.

I am often mistaken for an adult because of my age.

Eating, napping, no teeth, toilet troubles...

Being a baby is just practice for old age.

Him: What's this?

Her: That's just my prescription.

Him: It's a receipt for wine.

Her: What's your point?

Wine treats many ailments, especially bad decisions.

My house isn't messy. It's just creatively expressing that I live a very busy and interesting life.

I used to think being at home and doing nothing all day was boring, but as an adult, it’s literally my definition of a good day.

When you realize 1971 and 2024 are just as far apart as 1971 and 1918... I'm gonna need a moment...

The scariest part about Halloween as an adult is being left alone with a giant bowl of candy.

According to my height to weight ratio, I should be 9 feet 4 inches.

So my weight is okay, it's my height that's the problem.

Once all the illegals have been removed, you can finally realize your dream of replacing roofs in the scorching 102-degree summer heat.

Dear Puerto Ricans, trash day is November 5th, 2024. Don't forget.

He climbed into the wrong end of the garbage truck.

As you get older, “PAID OFF” sounds so much better than “BRAND NEW”.

Remember on Sunday to turn your clocks back one hour.

Then remember on Tuesday NOT to set the country back 100 years.

Last year I went trick-or-treating and told dad jokes but only got a couple Snickers.

It felt weird being in the corn maze ... I felt like I was being stalked.

Sing along...

Hello, darkness my old friend,

Soon you'll start at 5pm.

I lost my pizza cutter.

So I used my Bryan Adams CD.

It cuts like a knife.

After Michelangelo finished painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling - he kept bumping into people in the street.

I thought I liked movies at the theater.

Turns out, I just like eating in the dark and not talking to anyone.

I've opened up a can of worms.

They just lay there.

Hardly the chaos that's been advertised.

A father turned to his daughter and said, "Your young man approached me this afternoon and asked for your hand and I consented."

"But, Father," cried the daughter, "I don't want to leave Mother."

"I quite understand," he said. "But don't let me stand in the way of your happiness, take your mother with you."

When the clock strikes midnight, Halloween will end.

Then, BAM, Christmas carols everywhere.

The inventor of yodeling died recently. 

Sadly, so did his little old lady too.

My fear of tsunamis comes over me in waves.

Me: Can you grow, please?

Bank account: No

Lawn: No

Hair: No

Muscles: No

Stomach: I got this!

November 1st - National 'eat your kid's candy while they're at school' day.

If a man says you're ugly, he's just mean.

If a woman says you're ugly, she's just jealous.

If a kid says you're ugly, you're ugly!

I was gonna dress up as a bandaid for Halloween, but I thought it might be a little difficult to pull off.

Dyslexic zombies only eat Brians.

A pony is trick or treating and knocks on a door.

The woman that answers says, "You're supposed to holler trick or treat!"

The pony says, "I want to but I'm a little horse."

My house is haunted by a chicken.

A poultrygeist.

A fowl spirit.

I plan to call an eggsorcist to help it cross to the other side.

I saw a guy stealing iPhones.

I think he is going to FaceTime.

I have a fish that can breakdance! 

Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

I just saw this fella running down the road with a cape on.

I shouted: "Are you a Superhero?"

He said: "No, I didn't pay for my haircut!"