6338 - Saturday jokes

Her: Hey dear, what would you do if I was choking?

Him: Pull back 2 inches?

There ought to be a better way to start the day than getting up.

Walmart is giving out free turkeys to anyone who can outrun security.

Text...

So they really clothes school tomorrow?

 They shirt it down.

 I was underwear of this.

 That socks.

 Is it because of the sweater?

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting an annual increase.

How do I tell my nervous system that I'm not being hunted for sport?

Why don't all of the Republican House members who are afraid to use the restroom just poop in the hallway like their supporters did?

The best way to save money is to go into the house and lie down.

What the hell happened to all the dog and cat eating? That still going on or no?

I'm beginning to think my husband isn't going to apologize for the way he acted in my dream last night.

Cutting the turkey: "Would you like a leg, Lieutenant Dan?"

Guess how many times I have shared a bathroom with a trans person?

I have no idea because I mind my own business.

I wonder what the least spoken language is?

Sign language.

It’s interesting that they’re trying to ban trans people from the military. From what I’ve heard they’re super soldiers who are too good at sports and athleticism.

Spice up your next holiday get-together by placing a positive pregnancy test on top of the bathroom trash.

I hate how a fly will get into your house through a 2mm crack in a bathroom window, but can't find its way out even if you take the side of your house off.

80 million Americans expected to travel for the holiday.

Just 3 weeks ago they couldn't afford eggs.

The following is a story oft told about our past president, Calvin Coolidge...

Mr. and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown around a government chicken farm and Mrs. Coolidge, watching a rooster at work, asked if he mounted the hens more than once a day.

"Of course, ma'am," said the guide.  "It does its work dozens of times a day."

"Tell that to the president," said Mrs. Coolidge.

He did so.  Coolidge thought a moment and said, "Same hen all the time?"

"Oh, no," said the guide, "a different hen each time."

And Coolidge said, "Tell that to my wife."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin really fast and freak everybody out.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine because with all that rocking back and forth, you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What's the difference between a whore, a mistress, and a wife?

The whore says, "Are you done yet?"

The mistress says, "Are you done already?"

And the wife says, "Looks like the ceiling needs painting."

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge with his shirt open at the collar and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie.  He discovers that he just doesn't have one, but he sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk and gets an idea. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free. 

He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."