6347 - Saturday jokes

Worry is the first time you find you can't do it the second time; panic is the second time you find that you can't do it the first time.

I quit driving 10 years ago because Jesus never did take the wheel and my guardian angels are all in therapy.

If you don't like tea, then a cup of tea is not your cup of tea.

I accidentally used my wife's fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here.

I accidentally signed a work email, "Should you have any questions, please don't. Hesitate to ask." 

It's now my new email closing.

We are NOT a Christian nation. We are a nation where you are free to be a Christian. Your religion guides YOU, not all of us. Hope that helps.

I thought growing old would take longer.

I don't always have time to fold laundry, but when I do, I don't.

Then Jesus said unto the sick,

You better have insurance."

Then Jesus said unto the stranger,

"Are you here legally?"

Then Jesus said unto the hungry,

"My taxes better not be paying for these loaves and fishes."

Then Jesus said unto the poor,

"This is your own fault."

Someone said "30 years ago" and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

If you're having second thoughts, you're two ahead of most people.

I hate it when people are at your house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?"

"No, we pee in the yard".

During the COVID lockdown, if you had family over on Christmas Day, the police could force entry and make them go home.

Does anyone know if this service is still available?

Experts warn mass deportations could lead to a severe scapegoat shortage.

I know every phone number there is.

I just don't know who they belong to.

Crabby old man: Growing up in the 50s and 60s we did not become wusses.

Reality: People in the 50s and 60s were such wusses that they couldn't share a bathroom or drinking fountain with someone of a different skin color.

A special thanks to all the Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Athiest, and Agnostic mail carriers who deliver Christmas cards without screaming that it goes against their beliefs.

IF THERE WAS A PILL TO CURE PROCRASTINATION, I WOULD PROBABLY TAKE IT TOMORROW.

Dating when you're older is like trying to find a cart with good wheels at Walmart.

Since I've gotten older, I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet. If I get a life, I’ll be notified immediately.

Do little seizures clothes at ate on son days?