6356 - Saturday jokes

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

America, the land of gun care and health control.

An old woman stood on the deck of a cruise ship, holding her hat tightly as the wind blew hard. A worried man walked up to her and said, “Ma’am, your dress is flying up in the wind!”

“I know,” she replied, still holding her hat. “I need both hands to keep this on my head.”

“But, ma’am,” he whispered, “you’re not wearing anything under your dress, and, well… everything’s showing!”

She looked at him, smiled, and said, “Young man, what’s under this dress has been seen for 90 years. This hat is brand new!”

Joseph at the manger: Hey, his first poop!

Mary: Holy shit!

What’s dumb.....directions on toilet paper

What’s dumber.....reading them

What’s even dumber....reading them and gaining knowledge

What’s even dumber than that.... reading them and finding out you were doing something wrong

·Why did the dumb blond put the letters TGIF on the front of her shoes?  To remind her that "toes go in first"

·Why does it take 3 dumb blonds to make chocolate chip cookies?  One to mix up the batter and two to peel the M&Ms.

·What do you call it when 20 dumb blonds stand ear to ear?  A wind tunnel.

·What do you call it when 20 dumb blonds stand in a circle?  A dope ring.

·How do you know a dumb blond has been using the computer?  There's white-out on the computer screen. 

·What do you call a pair of dumb blonds in a walk-in freezer?  Frosted flakes.

·Why don't blonds make Kool-Aid?  They haven't figured out how to fit 2 quarts of water into that little tiny envelope.

·How do you confuse a blond?  Ask her to alphabetize the M&Ms.

·How does she confuse you?  She does it.

·If a blond and a brunette both fall off a tall building at the same time, which one hits the ground first?  The brunette - the blond got lost on the way down.

·Why did the blond climb the chain-link fence?  She wanted to see what was on the other side.

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.  

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. 

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.  

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it - don't waste them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?

Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetables). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

A man is brought before a judge after having been arrested for stealing a watch from a jewelry store.  Unfortunately, the evidence is less than clear and there is no case.

"You're exonerated," says the judge.

"I don't understand, Your Honor," replies the man.

"There's not enough evidence to try you," says the judge.  "You're exonerated of the crime."

"I still don't understand," says the man.  "What are you saying?"

"You're exonerated," says the judge.  "You're free to go."

The man, still confused, furrows his brow in thought and then says, "Does that mean I don't have to give back the watch?"

A man went to a fortune teller who looked into a crystal ball and said, "You will be poor and unhappy until you are 45 years old."

"Then what will happen?" asked the man hopefully.

"Then you'll get used to it."