6365 - Saturday jokes

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that.

A tomato family is walking down the road, baby tomato falls, behind. Daddy tomato goes back and smacks him on the head and says, "Ketchup!"

You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill.

Tomorrow I might turn it on.

If it snows, please stay home.

When you learn to drive in the sun, we'll discuss driving in the snow.

I just saw on the news that they're suggesting that people check on the elderly. 

I'm usually up by 11:00 or 11:30.

Bring lunch.

Boss: Why are you so late?

Me: Sorry my car wouldn't start.

Boss: Why wouldn't it start?

Me: Because I wasn't in it.

If we're drinking and I say I can do a backflip, just stop me because no I can't!

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distractd on my way back, have no idea what's going on, now I have to pee.

I will guarantee you someone's therapist knows about me.

Q: What inspires you to get out of bed in the morning?

A: My bladder.

Two things to make your day better.

1. Don't watch the news.

2. Stay off the bathroom scale.

I'm officially at the age where I'm not upgrading my phone until it stops working.

As we start 2025, remember that 1980 was 20 years ago. Right?

I've reached the age where I appreciate a nice handrail.

Don't drink and drive.

There are people out there that text and drive and if they hit you it will be your fault.

Apart from "life is short", what other things do you say before making bad decisions?

I don't spill things but I sometimes clean the floor with milk. 

I once cleaned the whole kitchen with tuna salad.

We all know mirrors don't lie.

I'm just glad that they don't laugh.

I love waving at random people. Because for the rest of the day, they're trying to figure out who you were!

Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?

I've completed the first item on my bucket list.

I have the bucket.

Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me.

Don't come at sober me, we weren't there. We don't know what happened.

I'm really proud of myself. I haven't bought anything from Amazon this year.

That look on your face when today's safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

As Kardashians celebrate their 20th season I would like to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.

Someone somewhere is planning to block/ unfriend you as part of their New Year resolution.

People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day.

When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says, "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!"

As an adult, not so much.

You’re taking a huge risk by putting me on speakerphone.