Saturday, January 18, 2025

6368 - Saturday jokes


Whoever put the S in fastfood is a marketing genius.


You know your life is boring when you only wear work clothes and bedclothes.


People with siblings have better survival skills because they've experienced physical combat, psychological warfare, and detecting suspicious activity.


The 3 stages of life: Wanting stuff. Accumulating stuff. Getting rid of stuff.


I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.


Sometimes I just wish I had the wisdom of a 90-year-old, the body of a 20-year-old, and the energy of 3 a 3-year-old.


How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?


Remember when we used to laugh at the commercial, "I've fallen, and I can't get up!?"
It's not so funny anymore.


Mary Magdalene: Sends nude picture to Jesus.
Jesus: Sends back a picture of bread.
Mary Magdalene: WTF!
Jesus: This is my body.


The Helsinki-Toronto flight was loaded with 400 passengers and only 200 lunches. The airline made a mistake and the crew was in a difficult situation. However, an intelligent flight attendant has come up with an idea. About 30 minutes after take-off, she announced:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how this happened, but we have 400 passengers on board and only 200 lunches!" “Anyone who is kind enough to give up food for someone else will receive a free unlimited amount of wine throughout the flight.”
Her next announcement was made 6 hours later: "Ladies and Gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 200 lunches available!"


I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound.
He said, "Suture self".


I thought that my wife would feel flattered that I’ve only had sex with 2 other women besides her.
But listing all 3 and naming her in the middle was probably not a great idea.


What do you say to break the silence at a prostate exam?
Be honest with me Doc, is that your wedding ring or your Rolex?


I bought an old Skoda car to fix up.
But whatever I do for repairs, I can't get rid of the 'Czech Engine' light.


Why did the mathematician couple wait until their beach vacation to fill out their mortgage application?
So they could sine, cosine, and tan.


Hotline...
The overeaters hotline (888) 888-8888


In college, the subject, of Greek Mythology was my weakness. 
I found it so confusing.
I guess it was my Achilles Elbow.


A young woman is walking into a cathedral when a priest stops her and says, ”I’m sorry, Miss, you can’t come in without a bra.”
The young woman protests, ”But I have a divine right!” The priest replies, ”A divine left, too, but you can’t come in.”


I’m starting up a new company specializing in vajazzles.
It’s called “All That Clitoris Gold”.


I ate pizza the other day and started shaking uncontrollably.
That's the last time I order from Little Seizures.


I decided not to go to the Swan Lake recital.
I feel like I dodged a ballet.


I asked my doctor for some pecker pills, and he handed me a can of fix-o-flat.


My 16yo son just walked by his younger sister's room and muttered, "Why is her light on if she's not in her room?" And then shaking his head turned off the light.
Stunned, I looked at my husband and said, "I guess he's a man now. Our work here is done."


I am confident my dog would defend me with its life...
unless you decide to use a vacuum cleaner as a weapon.


2 comments:

Cloudia said...

Vacuum cleaner as a weapon! True that!
You are on a roll with all this good material Mike.
The 3 stages of life....

Elephant's Child said...

Lots of smiles - and some recognition.