6374 - Saturday jokes

They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken.

Tech enthusiasts: My entire house is smart.

Tech workers: The only piece of tech in my house is a printer and I keep a gun next to it so I can shoot it if it makes a noise I don't recognize.

I'm playing a fun inauguration game where I take a sedative when Trump is sworn in and continue this for the next 4 years.

In 2020, it became apparent that a lot of people had been asleep in science class.

Well, in 2025, it’s become quite apparent that they slept through history class, too. 

Carrie Underwood was reportedly very upset after her performance yesterday, but not half as upset as she will be when she finds out she’s not getting paid.

CIA uncovers Chinese plot to sit back and enjoy the collapse of the United States.

If what Elon did wasn't a Nazi salute then do it at work tomorrow.

Trump’s cult it too big and too unhinged to control. Too many gun freaks in a Christian death cult to keep them all under his thumb. He’s going to enact something, that fucks over a large swath of his followers, and at least one of them will snap.

I wonder if people on Pinterest know that nothing really matters and we're all gonna die.

My CVS receipt is 54 Subway sandwiches long.

If I let my husband sleep next to me, where will I put all of my extra neck pillows?

Me: God, if you're listening, please give me a sign. 

God: Stop eating so much cheese.

Me: That could have been literally anyone.

God: That was me, child. You don't need that much cheese.

Me: *eating cheese* I need a sign-ier sign.

Me: It doesn't have a tail, so I'm pretty sure it's a hamster.

Tech support: “Sigh" Fine. Right-click on your hamster.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I get a life, I'll be notified immediately.

A shout-out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for the last few years.

Thanks for every ting.

What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

I told my cat that I was going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, "Me? How?"

Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?

Brochure.

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4am is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock.

I think my dog always follows me to the bathroom because I always follow him outside and he thinks that's the way it works.

Teacher: "Name a country without the letter R in it."

Student: "No way!"

My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.

I think she is in love with me.

I don't know how to use TikTok. But I can write in cursive and do long division. 

I can also tell time on clocks with hands.

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

If you ever think English is not a weird language just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme.

But read and lead don't rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a Def Leppard.

We should be able to call in healthy.

"Look, I'm not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don't want to waste it on being at work".

If two people love each other, nothing is impossible.

Except deciding where to eat.

Dogs aren't the only animals you can train.

I had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet.

But only for 20 seconds.

Every sister should send her brother $100 today. 

He needs cheering up.

The wife and I exchanged Valentine's Day cards at the store.

Then we put them back on the rack.

The doctor said my sugar was too high. 

When I got home, I moved it to a lower shelf.

If you ever said, "I'll do that when Hell freezes over". 

You're scheduled to do that today.

It's so damn cold outside I just farted snowflakes.

Sometimes I talk to myself and we both laugh.

I miss the old days when bills didn't have my name on them.

Winter storm warning!

Be careful who you take home tonight.

You could be stuck with them all weekend.

Kid taking my Gmail address...

Kid: Wow, you got your name! How did you do that?

Me: I was there when Gmail was invented.