Saturday, February 15, 2025

6390 - Saturday jokes


Deja Poo - The feeling of having heard this crap before.


Joe Apple: Johnny Apple, what happened to your eye.
Johnny: I got punched by a cabbage salad.
Joe: You fought the slaw?
Johnny: And the slaw won.


I finally got to see my doctor on Monday and I showed him the rash on my bottom. But he just ignored me and kept pushing his cart through Costco.


I looked up opaque, but the definition wasn’t very clear.


I spent my Valentine's Day at a nice restaurant shouting, "Well you moved on pretty quickly", to random couples walking in.


The square root of 69 is 8 something.


I finally know why they call me a grown-up.
I groan every time I get up.


My mom always told me, "You might not be the dumbest guy in the world, but you better hope he doesn't die".


Just because deodorant says 48 hours, doesn't mean you should accept the challenge.


I was getting most of my clothes online, but my neighbors have started taking their laundry in at night.


Him: I love you 10 times more than you love me.
Her: 10 times 0 is 0.


The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card.


During my funeral, someone take my phone and text everyone a solid black picture and say damn it sure is dark in here.


Just went to the Oreo website and hit "accept all cookies".
And now I wait...


I went to my doctor yesterday with a suspicious-looking mole. She said they all look like that and I should just put him back in the garden.


I told my doctor that I break out every time I eat strawberries and asked whether he could help. He said that he hated to make rash promises!


I’m just itchin’ to set up an appointment.


Apparently, Elon is upset that folks have started calling Teslas swasticars. 
So whatever you do don't share this.


We're having our HVAC system replaced today for something more powerful and yet at the same time more efficient, and what that means for me is that there are strangers in my house and I have to wear pants.


I think it's so cute how all of our names will be on the same watchlist.


I'm gonna see if this political climate turns into a Civil War before I bother to make another car payment.


I don't have a lot of money, but I do have enough to buy my Trump-supporting-neighbors' kid a slide whistle.


And, lo, the people were offered a choice: human rights and dignity, or cheaper eggs.
And, lo, the people chose eggs.
And, lo, a plague descended upon the chickens.
And, lo, the people blamed DEI.


I love being me.
It pisses off all the right people.


Do female terrorists get 72 male virgins after they die?
72 male virgins isn't paradise, it's an IT department.


Them: "Why are you so worried now?"
Me: "Because I paid attention in history class."


My co-worker said, "You should never eat donuts for breakfast!” to me today. I told her, "My Grandmother lived to be 100 years old." She asked, "Did she eat donuts for breakfast?” I said, "No she minded her own business."


A photographer was setting up for a large group picture when a lump of cheddar hit him and killed him. 
In the group's defense, they did try to warn him.


There are two types of tRUMP supporters, billionaires and idiots.
Check your bank account to see which one you are.


Believing that billionaires are fighting for the working class requires a comical level of delusion.


Author R. Kennedy's book...
How to avoid vaccines and die like a medieval peasant.


Scientists say, that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
What a load of crap.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 30 pounds in weight, and developed type 2 diabetes.


Despite my grades of A, B, B, and A, I can't find an employer to take a chance on me.


50% of homeowning is hearing strange noises and hoping they are made by ghosts because you can't afford to fix them.


I found out that saying, "There there little girl", to a pissed-off grown man only makes things worse.


Live so that if your life was turned into a book, Florida would ban it.


But it was assigned Gulf of Mexico at birth!


4 comments:

River said...

I'm not going on anyone's watchlist. I'm nice. Ask anyone. Just not anyone that lives near me.

allenwoodhaven said...

Thanks for the laughs; we need them!

Ole phat Stu said...

At my cremation I want someone to post a photo of a fire with the comment "sure is hot down here!"

Debra She Who Seeks said...

So many good ones! I laughed at all of them!