6396 - Saturday jokes

Patriotism is the optimistic belief that your country could be the best.

Nationalism is the ignorant belief that it already is.

A wife asked her husband to describe her after thirty years of marriage. He replied, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.” She asked what it meant, and he said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.” She smiled, but then asked about I, J, K. He replied, “I’m Just Kidding!”

Coworker ..”I need to get a laptop for my kid for school”.

Me..”Literally any new one will be fine”.

Coworker..”What do you think about Mac’s?”

Me..”I don’t”.

It's true that exercise helps with decision making.

I went for a run this morning and decided never to do that again.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

I went on a date.

Everything was great until she asked me, "Boxers or briefs?"

I said, "Depends".

She got up and left!

I hate it when I'm singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

I'm actually pretty good in bed. I hardly ever fall out anymore.

At the nursing home, all the men get a blue pill before bedtime. Since then, none have fallen out of bed.

If a man says you're ugly, he's just mean.

If a woman says you're ugly, she's jealous.

If a kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.

At this point, I'm convinced some people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.

The only thing getting hot in my bed these days is the heating pad.

The secret to a clean kitchen...

Don't cook, ever!

Found out two things today.

1. Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting.

2. The staff at McDonald's are quite narrow-minded.

I'm not sure what my spirit animal is, but I'm confident it has rabies.

A fuck must be earned.

I can't go down the street with a bucket of fucks giving them out to everyone.

If I feel that you've earned it, I'll give a fuck.

Every time I drive my wife's car...

Me: How long has your car been making that noise.

Her: What noise?

I'm not crazy, I'm mentally spicy.

Cashier: Will that be all for you?

Me: Nah, I need to buy more stuff. I just wanted to show you what I have so far.

It’s like Winter is really mad and keeps storming out of the room and then coming back in yelling, “OH… AND ANOTHER THING!!”

Broke an egg making breakfast this morning. My insurance company said an adjuster will be out tomorrow.

If you're going to mess something up, do it so badly that everyone will wonder how it was even possible.