6414 - Saturday jokes

After his 8th failed rocket attempt, I think it's safe to say Elon Musk has projectile dysfunction.

My best friend said that dating after 50 is like trying to find the least damaged thing in a thrift store that doesn't smell.

Me: Those are flies!

Dog: Sky raisins!

Every tech innovation for the last 15 years boils down to 'let's make everything shittier and force you to pay a monthly subscription for it.'

I don’t mind getting older but my body is having a hissy fit about it.

I thought I was a good person, but the way I react when people drive slowly in the left lane would suggest otherwise.

If you ever think English is not a weird language just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme.

But read and lead don't rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

Missouri House unanimously approves bill allowing pregnant women to get a divorce. And yes it’s 2025.

My wife and I decided we don't want children. It was a difficult decision, but we're telling them tonight.

I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!

No one can throw a bigger tantrum than a narcissist who loses control of someone else's mind.

Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.

I'm not saying I'm attractive, but when I get naked in the bathroom. I turn the shower on.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and said, "Is it because you're fat?"

Now I'm crying for two reasons.

Children are the only thing we remove from the human body and then keep.

Her: I have bad news dear. The doctor says we can't have sex for six weeks.

Him: Hmmmm. Well, what did the dentist say?

I barely talk to anyone. So if I talk to you and you're not a dog, congrats!

It turns out a ceiling fan will not cut a bagel in half even on high speed. Also, we need a new window.

Marjorie Taylor Greene said she doesn’t want to discuss her vaccination status. 

I agree - those conversations are best left between Marjorie and her veterinarian.

When I have to fill out a form asking who to call in case of an emergency, I always write ambulance. Because no one in my family is going to answer a call from an unknown number.

Old age is a thing... last night I was in bed for 20 min when I heard the pizza guy cough. 

Then I remembered I came to my room for my wallet.

Today I was struggling to get my wife's attention.

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable.

That did the trick.

A narcissist mindset, that didn't happen, and if it did, it wasn't that bad, and if it was, it's not a big deal, and if it is, it's not my fault and if it was, I didn't mean it, and if I did, you made me do it.

How can we be sure that the Teslas aren’t setting themselves on fire to avoid the association with Elon Musk?

We're going to have to color potatoes for Easter this year.

Every news agency reported that the capsule landed in the Gulf of Mexico and I’m sure the most petty man in the universe was fuming.

Donald Trump is trying to shutter the Department of Education, which will make it very difficult for students to know the last time America was grate.

When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Doggies...

Dinner 5 minutes late?

Feeling under-petted?

Treats split in half?

YOU HAVE RIGHTS!

Call me - Koda, attorney at paw

I'll bark for you!

(800) RUF-LIFE

I want to live long enough to witness America's version of the Nuremberg trials.

I've renamed the body of water in my toilet "The Gulf of Trump" and anything floating in it a "Musk".

If you believe that teaching about god in public schools will improve people's morality, you first need to explain why it doesn't work in a church.

I will never understand how they were more upset about a Super Bowl halftime show than Elon Musk stealing our social security numbers.

A naked man broke into a church.

The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.