6418 - Saturday jokes

At the pharmacy...

Are there any side effects to these pills besides bankruptcy?

Is the new "American Dream" watching Elon Musk go bankrupt, broke, and get deported?

You know you’re getting old when your vehicle's heated seat is no longer for warmth... but instead for back pain.

If a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder", does that make a jock strap, an "under the butt, nut hut?"

Last one out the door at the Department of Education should erase the entire student loan database. Be a legend.

That awkward moment when you lay on the floor to do a sit-up but realize you can't do a sit up and now you can't get up either.

I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed.

I am ALWAYS ready for bed.

I'm lazy, chubby and cynical.

I love food, naps, and soda.

I hate Mondays, people, and exercise.

I never thought I would grow up to be Garfield.

When things seem especially rough, just ask yourself, "Did I shit my pants today?"

If the answer is no, you're doing OK.

Donald Jr.: born 1977. Ivanka: born 1981. Eric: born 1984. Their mother Ivana didn't become a U.S. citizen until 1988. If birthright citizenship gets revoked and kids start being deported, put them at the front of the line.

The billionaires have decided that the people with nothing have too much.

Instead of older and wiser, I'm getting older and wider.

I'm doing the opposite of a cleanse.

I'm doing a clog.

That awkward moment when you're running...

And your boobs are bouncing all over the place.

And you're a 55-year-old guy. (Running? That would not be me.)

I can't believe the world's gonna end because half of America voted to give the nuclear codes to the dumbest people on the planet, rather than vote for a black woman.

People are now referring to Pete Hegseth as “WhiskeyLeaks” and I’m kinda mad that I didn’t think of it first.

This Pete Hegseth group chat story blew up like it was a Tesla.

Pete Hegseth now has to blow into a breathalyzer to unlock his phone.

Did you hear Tesla's third vehicle will be a three-wheeled motorcycle?

They're going to call it The Third Trike.

May America share the luck of that Delta jet in Toronto. Everyone survives unharmed, but the entire right-wing disappears without a trace.

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $15.00. 

So I gave my suit to the charity shop next door.

They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window.

I bought it for $4.50!

For years, MAGA has been saying: Sleepy Joe, Kamala slept her way to the top, Michelle Obama is a man, screw your feelings libtards, and all that. Then one person says "Governor Hot Wheels," and they lose it. Absolutely braindead.

Joe Rogan says he would rather go to Russia than Canada and I agree, I would also rather Joe Rogan go to Russia.

I'm a trust fund baby.

My parents trusted me to fund myself.

A penny for your thoughts. 

Although that does seem a little pricey.

Of the states with the highest sex crimes against children per capita, seven of the top ten voted overwhelmingly for

Donald Trump.

Because representation matters.

     >Steve Hofstetter<

Heads up: losing your Social Security will sting way more than paying extra for eggs.

It’s a good thing Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida.

If it had been invented at Florida State, it would have been called Seminole Fluid.

What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says, “Hey, YOU, get off of my cloud,” and the Scotsman says, “Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe.”