6425 - Saturday jokes

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.

You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.

Steal this chant for your next rally:

Small Hands Small Feet -

All He Does is Golf and Tweet.

So, it's okay for a cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors come, but, when I do it, it's "rude" and

"antisocial."

My 401k has been converted to a 404k.

I miss the old sleepy guy who never bankrupted a casino or our economy or turned our country into a global pariah.

I miss the calm old guy who rescued the economy without turning every single headline into a circus act.

God: I should have made more AOCs.

I will never understand how folks let a man who bankrupted 6 companies convince them he’d be better for the economy than the prosecutor with an economics degree.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them.

If you come to the ER with a titanium cock ring that you cannot get off, our ring cutters are not sharp/strong enough to cut it.

This will result in us having to call the fire department to get their diamond saw. This is a very undesirable experience for everyone involved.

The deadly facts about water...

Fact...

Water can be chemically synthesized by burning rocket fuel.

Fact...

Overconsumption can cause excessive sweating, urination, and even death!

Fact...

100% of all serial killers, rapists, and drug dealers have admitted to drinking water.

Fact...

Water is the primary ingredient in herbicides and pesticides.

Fact...

Water is the leading cause of drowning.

Fact...

100% of all people exposed to water, die.

I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47.

I wanted a second opinion so I went to self-checkout and my new total was 43.20.

If you honestly think stealing food stamps is easy, you’ve clearly never tried qualifying for them.

Boobytrap spelled backward is partyboob.

After the creators of the English language worked for 24 hours straight,

they decided to call it a day.

Today I found out that if you treat others how they treat you…

they get very upset.

First, big boobs became attractive, then big bums, and now I'm just waiting for big bellies turn and it will be over for you bitches.

Dr. Oz was confirmed to lead the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, which is great news for the snake oil industry.

Getting older is wild. I thought I blacked out for 20 minutes this morning. Turns out, I just put my hoodie on backward.

Sign of the year at protest...

Hey trump, nobody paid us to be here! We all hate you for free!

My mind is exceptionally quiet today.

I'm suspicious I'm up to something I don't want me to know about.

I'll never be okay with donut shops cutting a hole in my donut, and then charging me separately for the same hole they robbed me of.

When someone tells me I look familiar, I just tell them "I do porn".

If people don't like you, it's okay.

You only need to be concerned if dogs don't like you.

Then it's time for some self-reflection.