I saw one of those martial arts guys do a spinning kick and thought it looked pretty easy.
What I'm trying to say is, I need an ambulance.
A Texas farmer went on vacation to Australia. He met up with an Australian farmer who proudly showed off his wheat field.
"That's nothing" said the Texan. "Back home, we have wheat fields that are twice as large as this."
Next the Australian pointed out his cattle.
"They're nothing," said the Texan. "Back home, we have longhorns that are twice as big as your cows."
Just then, half a dozen kangaroos bounded across the road.
"What are those?" asked the Texan.
The Australian replied, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"
Crazy how we used buy eggs to throw at houses now we cant even buy eggs or houses.
We are living is a day where people are proud of what they should be ashamed of.
If he took a dump as big as his ego, he'd disappear.
If you're late for special ed, is it OK for the teacher to call you tardy?
Just because they make spandex and your size doesn’t mean you should be wearing it.
Being an adult is mostly realizing you don't look as bad as you thought you did a few years ago because now you look worse. (Bilbo)
Can you tie a knot?
I cannot.
So you can tie a knot?
No, I cannot knot.
Not knot?
Who's there?
tRUMP expected to rename San Andreas fault to Joe Bidens fault.
Dad, I can't swim!
Not with that attitude!
SPLASH!
So much to do,
so little desire to do it.
Employer: *pays minimum wage*
Employee: *gives minimum effort*
Employer: %$&#*%$&
Me: *physically and mentally exhausted from work*
Boss: Do you want to work tomorrow?
Me: ........................................ OK
I used to be a people person but people ruined that for me.
I'm trying to decide between IDK, IDC, and IDGAF.
Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places then wondering where you put them.
I am too old for a broken heart.
If you see me sad, it's because of money.
Life is like a litter box.
There's shit everywhere.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.
Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around.
I accidentally became important at work and it's ruining my life.
Libraries are way more strict these days.
Sign - No dick sucking in the library!!!!
Them: You told us you were busy!
Me: I am. Busy avoiding people.
Knock knock. Who's there? Candice. Candice who? Candice joke get any worse?
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18 comments:
Groan.
There is a good reason I avoid mirrors. And have done for years.
A stellar lineup this Saturday!
I'm definitely in the so much to do, so little desire crowd.
Even when I was young I never thought that a martial arts spinning kick could be doable...and now it would be impossible!
Love the Texas farmer joke! Will get a lot of laughs. Thanks!
I never understood this American habit of throwing eggs and toilet paper at houses, always seemed like a shocking waste of both items to me. Does anyone anywhere remember how, when, why that started?
I walk down the middle of the street to avoid window reflections.
And a stellar commenter.
Right there with you!
I would definitely need an ambulance.
I shortened it a little bit. Easier to remember, right?
It's been around since I was a kid which was a long time ago. Here's a list of more of the same... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_practical_joke_topics
And then I found this.... https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/a-messy-history-of-egging-and-toilet-papering-houses
Thank you.
Love that Texan joke although I thought he was gonna say "don't you have rabbits where you come from?"
Rabbits is another version of the same joke.
"Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places then wondering where you put them." Yes. Which is why I clean so infrequently.
I'm right there with you.
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