6446 - Saturday jokes

The new Pope has a degree in mathematics from Villanova.

This guy doesn't understand sin.

He understands cos and tan.

A little five-year-old girl was usually driven to school by her grandad, but one day he had a bad cold, so her grandmother took her instead.

That night, the little girl told her parents, “The drive with Gramma was really different today.”

“Oh? What made it different?” they asked.

“Well,” she said, “with Gramma, we didn’t see a single numb nuts, blind lady, or freakin' moron on the road the whole way!”

You can either expect me to work well with other or pass a drug test. But not both.

Trump accuses Librarian of Congress of having pro-book bias.

Republican priority in 1928: A Chicken in Every Pot

Republican priority in 2025: Salmonella in every chicken

I don't agree to disagree when you reject evidence. We aren't disagreeing about anything. You're just ignoring reality because it doesn't fit your bias.

A couple go shopping and the wife sees pair of boots she loves.

The husband says, "No chance, they're way too expensive."

Later in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband starts getting amorous.

She says, "I don't think so hun. If you're not prepared to shoe the horse you sure as hell aren't going to ride it."

I've decided my body is not a temple; it's a haunted house!

It's slowly falling apart, makes weird noises, and contains the spirit of an old man who's always mad at something.

Two Irishmen were in a graveyard. Paddy reads a gravestone and says, "This guy was 95 when he died!" "Who was it?" the Mick asks. "Somebody named O'Toole from Kerry," Paddy replies. Mick says, "Never mind him. There's a feller here called Murphy who was 102 when he died! From Castletown. "Well that's nothing!" says Paddy. "This chaps stone says 147!" "147? That's amazing!" says Mick. "Who was he?" "According to the stone, its somebody called Miles from Dublin!"

As I knelt down at the shoe store with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her undies.

"Hey buddy!" she said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girl's skirts, isn't it?"

That's an absolute ridiculous accusation, miss." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."

Tablets were replaced by scrolls, and scrolls were replaced by books. Now we scroll through books on tablets. Times change. (Bilbo)

I called the paranoia hotline, and a guy answered, "How the hell did you get this number?" (Bilbo)

I'm officially at the age where everything that feels like only a couple years ago was actually a couple decades ago.

Old age has come at a terrible time, just as I was starting to know it all, I’m now forgetting everything I knew.

Many top scientists are on the autism spectrum.

So technically, autism causes vaccines.

I’d picked up lots of skills during all my years at work, but learning when I shouldn’t make sarcastic comments is not one of them.

Be with someone who gives you the same feelings you get when you see your food coming at a restaurant. 

My friend said there's an island off the coast of Italy with 5 million Sicilian people on it.

I asked if that was more than a Bazillion people. 

Man O man... I was looking for my phone with the flashlight on my phone.

Friend: Where was it?

Sign on truck...

NATIVE AMERICAN ICE CREAM

(formerly Big Chief Crazy Cone)

I still can't believe Aldi sells shopping carts for $.25. I've got 8 of them now but don't really have a use for them. But it's just to good a deal to pass up.

Fish husband: When I die I want a closed casket funeral.

Fish wife: So, toilet seat down?

Fish husband: Correct.

I asked my wife if she loved me for my face or my body.

She laughed and said it was for my sense of humor.

There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 2 weeks.

Son: "Dad can I have a cupcake for breakfast?"

*flashback to me eating the last cupcake at 1:00am*

"Absolutely not! Cupcakes are not for breakfast."

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia. He said,

"Go ahead. Knock yourself out."

A police recruit was asked during an exam,

'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' 

The reply, "Call for back up".

When I was a little kid, I used to make sandcastles with my Grandma. 

But then my Dad hid the urn.

Last week I walked into a revolving door and just kept going.  

I did four laps before I realized what was going on.

Puttering: The act of doing dozens of little chores that no one knows need to be done, that no one wants to do, and no one notices have been done.