6451 - Saturday jokes

It's weird when you realize boomers are the last generation on this Earth to know what life was like before social media.

I went to an antique auction yesterday. Three people bid on me. (Bilbo)

Taylor Swift and Bruce Springsteen should have a concert in DC during Bozo's birthday parade.

A man stopped at a fancy restaurant by himself for dinner and was very demanding of his waitress and left 3 pennies on the table for her tip. She chased him down as he was leaving… Sir, sir, wait, did you know I can tell a lot about you by your tip? He was intrigued, “do tell” he said. The waitress tells him, “from this 1st penny I can tell you are a frugal man”. He looked excited, “Yes, yes I am very careful with my money, please tell me more”. The waitress points at the 2nd penny, “this penny tells me you are not married”, the man is smiling ear to ear. “I have never been married, I can't believe you can know this, please please tell me more” The waitress points at the 3rd penny, “from this penny I can tell your father never married either”.

License plate...

BJ69KFC

Sounds like a fun time.

I first realized that using a large vocabulary and eloquent speech doesn't make you less likely to be misinterpreted, rather it adds an entirely new layer if misinterpretation I had never even realized existed in the form of people thinking you're being snobbish or condescending when you're just trying to be specific.

If you read a book with a gay character, you don't become gay. 

I've read the bible and I haven't murdered anyone.

My dog understands many human words. I don't understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me.

Cow: Ask me why I'm tired after giving birth.

Farmer: Why are you tired after giving birth?

Cow: I'm decalfeinated.

Farmer: ...

Cow: I see you're laughtose intolerant too.

Why do we call it scissoring and not lip syncing?

When a fly flies through a fart, do you think they feel the same way we do when we drive past a BBQ place?

When something goes wrong in the circus, they send in the clowns to distract the audience. Well, something has gone very wrong with this circus and the clowns are everywhere. (Bilbo)

The best way to get rid of a stupid policy is to follow it.

tRUMP said that Joe Biden has “stage nine cancer“.

This is not the first time tRUMP pretended something was nine when it was actually three or four.

PAWCASTINATOR - a person who avoids adult responsibilities by spending time with their dog instead of getting things done.

Q: Why can't we hear cum sloshing around in the balls?

A: Because it's in powder form in the balls. Once it gets mixed with the pee it becomes liquid. The pee is only stored in one ball. Usually the right one which is why it sags down. The other ball is the powder ball. It holds the desiccated spermatozoa powder until it's needed. This is just basic biology.

We need to start an investigation to see if the republican party has any ties to America.

You haven't truly lived until you have to push your car then jump in and pop the clutch.

The older I get, the more I understand why people live in the woods and talk to squirrels.

Emily: If you're not dating to marry, then you're dating for heartbreak. Let that sink in.

Meredith: Emily, I'm dating to get my vagina licked.

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he had had access to Amazon Prime.

My desire to be well informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.