6459 - Saturday jokes

Me: No more. Your dog food bag says one cup.

Dog: The Oreo bag surely doesn't say 16 Oreos Tricia, but here we are...

I think I’m a cell phone. Even if I charge all night, I’m already down to 50% by 10am. (Bilbo)

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I get a life, I'll be notified immediately. (Bilbo)

Do you ever feel like your body’s “check engine” light has been on for a while and you’re still driving like, “Nah, it’ll be fine.” (Bilbo)

A good wife will always be by your side during bad times. Mostly to remind you that none of this would've happened if you had just listened to her. (Bilbo)

Being an adult is just repeatedly staring at a pill bottle in your hand and asking yourself, “Did I already take this, or was I about to take it?” (Bilbo)

On the flight over to Ireland both pilots were women which sparked a debate amongst our group about whether using the term "cockpit" was really apropos. We decided to call it a "clitpit", making it hijack proof since male hijackers would never be able to find it. (Peggy)

Not everyone needs a partner to live happily ever after. Honestly, some of us just need a dog.

tRUMP heard that some people are calling his resort TAC-O-LAGO, and he'll do anything to keep it quiet.

White House press secretary will now be known as TACO Belle.

Teacher: Your son said you threatened to beat him.

Me: At checkers!

Teacher: And forced him to sleep outside?

Me: We went camping!

Teacher: And made up his peanut allergy so he couldn't share your Snickers?

Me: Yeah, that one I did.

Customer comment: Was a waste of money!!! Had to pay postage to send them back! Decided to throw them in the garage!!

Text...

G1: Where are you?

G2: I left early. Sorry I couldn't stay longer.

G1: WTF! Where are you going?

G2: I'm going home.

G1: Are you kidding me! Come back, your drunk!

G2: Don't worry, I called an Uber.

G1: We drank at your place.

G2: Oh... Where am I going?

Science literacy empowers you to know when someone else is full of shit. 

You know of Alan Turing, who cracked the Enigma code in WW2. But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided Alan and his team with refreshments and food.

My wife is super upset at our neighbor who happens to enjoy suntanning in her backyard naked.

Personally, though, I'm on the fence.

How does a woman control her liquor?

She holds him by the ears.

My husband and I were doing yard work but I started a fight so I could storm off into the air conditioning.

I forgot to pay my camping insurance. If someone steals my tent in the middle of the night I'm no longer covered.

My dog is really smart.

I asked him what 2-2 is.

He said nothing.

I just had a detective knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye.

I told him if he used both, he'd probably find him a lot quicker.

This salad tastes like I'd rather be fat.

If Mike Lindell goes to prison at least he will finally get a more comfortable pillow.

Cop: So, I'm writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You're going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens. 

They're calling it the Apollo G.

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Depends on how long you were following me.

Mother-in-laws, stop telling us how to raise our kids. 

We live with yours and we've seen your work.

You know there's no official training for trash collectors? 

They just pick things up as they go along.

Want to get noticed?

Go jogging without moving your arms.

Becky: That candle smells like Fireball.

Me: Us non-alcoholics like to call it cinnamon, Becky.

I wonder what normal people think about.

I remember when breaking up was easy. 

Nowadays you gotta press charges & move.

I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work.

Thankfully I was at work.

People who worship paper bags are sackreligious!

I'm not a hoarder. 

I'm a 'this might be useful later' specialist.

Them: Are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: All I can tell you is that I'm not a people person.

I don't run from my problems. 

I ignore them, like an adult.

Saying 'Have a nice day' to someone sounds friendly.

But saying 'enjoy your next 24 hours' sounds threatening.

The speed limit just depends on the music playing. 

I may not give my wife butterflies anymore, but I definitely give her high blood pressure. 

And that's basically the same thing. 

I have to stop saying, "How stupid can you be?"

I'm beginning to think people are taking it as a challenge.

I’m a trophy husband. 

Well, like a participation trophy.

I went to McDonald's and ordered two large fries. 

They gave me about 80 little ones instead.