6463 - Saturday jokes

Happy "No Kings Day".

Two things that will make your day better:

1. Don't watch the news.

2. Stay off the bathroom scale.

(Bilbo)

Reporter: "Have you uncovered evidence that anything was signed without Biden's knowledge?" 

Trump: "No. But I've uncovered the human mind. I was in a debate with the human mind." 

Don't give this man a parade. Give him a straight jacket.

My granddaughter asked me, “Grampa, today I watched someone do 50 pushups - do you think you could do that?”

I said, “Of course, sweetheart. Don’t want to brag, but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups.”

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar together. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here.”

The police have spent hours questioning the egg. 

I think it’s about to crack.

When people tell me, "You're gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep till noon, because I'm a problem solver. (Bilbo)

I expect the people who have guns to defend themselves from a tyrannical government will be keeping the people of Los Angeles safe.

Unless they were lying this whole time.

"Sorry I'm late", I said as I got home from work. "Some guy lost a $50 dollar bill at the grocery store."

"Were you helping him look for it?", asked my wife.

"No, I was standing on it".

Gina Ortiz Jones – who served as Under Secretary of the Air Force for Biden – was just elected the next Mayor of San Antonio. She CRUSHED her MAGA Republican challenger, and made history as the city's first publicly queer mayor.

The wheels came off their bromance so fast you’d think it was a Cybertruck.

Nothing gives me more pleasure than watching America's two worst human beings finally turn on each other.

Never leave home without a kiss, a hug, and an “I love you.”

Then remove the pet hair from your mouth as you walk to the car.

Welcome to your senior years - Where life is a delicate balance between trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep.

It sickens me to hear Spanish being spoken on the streets of Los Angeles, San Diego, Palo Alto, San Francisco, Santa Ana, San Jose, Santa Barbera, San Bernadino, El Cerrito, La Miranda, and San Luis Obispo.

If MAGA doesn't care that tRUMP is a convicted felon, then I don't care that there are immigrants here illegally.