6467 - Saturday jokes

Her to friend: He cheated on me with the same girl my other ex cheated on me with.

Friend: Go sleep with her too. See what all the fuss is about. She's up on you 2-0. You gotta play some offense.

A teacher had recess duty. A kindergarten girl came running over with another girl following her and said, "She called me the B-word". When she ask the second student if she called the first student the B-word, she turn to the first one and said, "Motherfucker doesn't start with a B!"

tRUMP protest sign: Can we skip to when he shoots himself in the bunker?

Hey Donald: No one was paid to protest against you on your birthday. We hate you FOR FREE.

tRUMP protest sign: This is nothing compared to the party we'll have when you die.

And then a squeaky tank came by and woke him up.

Imagine how shitty of a person you have to be to get millions of people to use their day off to protest you.

Florida MAGA voter tears up after ICE detains a third of his workers. And now he can't find new ones.

The doctor said to me this morning, "I'd like to talk to you about your weight."

I said, ”Well, it was about 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfy."

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

Tulsi Gabbard announced Trump's DOJ is looking into who is funding the anti-ICE and No Kings protests.

Let me save you some time DOJ. We're doing it for free.

Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman...

Superman: We told you a threesome would be to much for you, but you kept yelling, "I'm Batman!"

Batman: It was dark, and you grab the wrong ass Clark! That's why I was shouting, "I'm Batman! I'm Batman!"

Sign: English tooter 

      215-555-1234

Bible verses condemning trans people: 0

Bible verses about welcoming migrants: 33

Bible verses about advocating for peace: 429

Bible verses about loving God and others: 714

Bible verses about taking care of the poor: 2000+

(I didn't verify these numbers.)

Did you know that if you sit on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock strikes midnight, it's the same shit, different day?

Have any of you been in so much trouble you had to win the presidency?

Steven Cheung: Amazing. Despite the threat of rain, over 250,000 patriots showed up to celebrate the 250th anniversary of the US Army.

Sundae Girl: 200,000 people were dressed as empty aluminum benches.

Happy it’s raining, we needed it. We haven’t had any rain in like 14, maybe 15 minutes.

Older people still print boarding passes because we survived "Microsoft Word has encountered an error and needs to close" as we watched our term paper vanish into thin air. We know technology will betray you at the worst possible moment.

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley, age 91, held a hearing on Biden's cognitive decline.

Senator Durbin walked in, played a video of Trump's crazy statements, told them they're wasting everyone's time, called the hearing a distraction, and left.

At the end of the day we are all human beans.

And together we will rice.

Lettuce pray.

Ramen.

Gaza must be freed from Hamas.

Israel must be freed from Netanyahu.

Ukraine must be freed from Putin.

America must be freed from tRUMP.

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. Lady asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a fireman." "But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman. He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I'll cum as fast as I can!"

My ex taught me that not every "I love you" is real.

I taught him neither is every orgasm.

Them: So, are you seeing anyone right now?

Me: Like dating, a therapist, or hallucinations?

Them: Never mind...

I keep seeing MAGAts proclaim that Republicans freed the slaves and Democrats started the KKK.

That's true. You know what is also true? Progressives freed the slaves and the right wing started the KKK.

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. (Bilbo)

Forget riding your bike without a helmet. Growing up, the most dangerous thing you could do was change the house's thermostat. 

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

Her to cop: How dare you pull me over. Do you know who my father is?!

Cop: No, I'm just like your mom, I have no idea.