6488 - Saturday jokes

I’d socialize more, but it gets in the way of me staying home doing whatever I want. (Bilbo)

If a bee is bothering you, don’t swat it or run away, just stare at it.

Because seeing is bee leaving.

I said to the doctor, "That hemorrhoid cream you prescribed for me is causing some unpleasant reactions".

He said "Where are you applying it?" 

I said, "On the bus".

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she fixed dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

Imagine calling yourself the most popular president ever and yet being scared shitless of late-night comedians and public broadcasting.

Doctor to Patient: It seems your weight is perfect. You just happen to be eleven feet too short.

Me: I think my computers broken.

Boss: Just give to the IT guy.

Me: OK. (I go outside and throw the PC in the sewer.)

My high school was so small we had sex education and drivers education in the same car.

Guy1: Did I ever tell you I love Eminem?

Guy2: I prefer Skittles. 

1: No, not the candy, the rapper.

2: Why would you eat the wrapper?

Apparently there is a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive people!

The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.

Target has a Starbucks inside.

It's time Home Depot gets a Waffle House.

A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6.  He seemed irritated when I answered “kindergarten."

A man who lived in a glass house was hiding a large chair in his attic for a month or so. One day the chair came crashing through the floor and destroyed the entire house. The moral of the story?

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

Did you know there are over 45,000 Christian denominations worldwide?

Bickering over minutia is one of the commonalities they seem to have. (John)

A doctor calls the plumber in the middle of the night. He explains that his toilet is blocked and be would like it fixed.

The plumber says, "do you know what time it is?"

"Now look here," says the doc, "last time you called me out in the middle of the night, I didn't complain!"

So the plumber gets dressed and drives to the doctor's house. The doctor lets him in and shows him the blocked toilet.

The plumber gets an aspirin out of his toolbox, throws it into the toilet and says, "okay, if its not better by the morning, call me again!"

Superman, the man of steel.

tRUMP, the man of steal. (Mike Peters)

I have the paper towel habit of a much wealthier person.

That feelin you get when someone says, "You got all that?" and you haven't heard a thing they said.

Make sure to type "thank you" to ChatGPT so it spares your life during the apocalypse.

Houston, I'm starting to think I might be the problem.

Why did they name it parmesan cheese and not spaghetti confetti?

It's like we're not even trying anymore.

Maybe if everybody ate a snickers bar the world would calm down.

(I'm doing my part.)

I love being outside. Just not when it's too hot, or too cold, or windy, or if there are bugs.

Shout out to the days when you said you were at a sleepover but you were actually lying in a field dying of alcohol poisoning.

Internet friend: "I'm in your city!"

Me: "Okay, have fun."

Why would I bother to take the high road when I can take the psychopath?

I was told there would be a handbasket.

This can't be the same back that I rock and rolled with.

When I'm hungry, nothing is funny and everyone's stupid.

I've been putting off a chore for 6 months.

I did it today.

It took me 4 minutes.

I will not learn from this.

Whenever I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

One of them says, "Eat the chocolate".

The other one says, "You heard her, eat the chocolate!".

I can't watch a movie where a dog dies but will watch a serial killer documentary where 27 people are murdered to relax at night.

(Yep)

Do people that run marathons know they don't have to?

When someone tells you to do something that you were going to do already and you think 'well now I'm not going to do it'.

Spouse: Have we been awake long enough to take a nap? (Peggy)

All I'm saying is that the first reporter who yells out "What the f**k are you talking about" deserves a Pulitzer Prize.

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

There was a guy who would introduce himself like this, “Hi, I’m Bill Spaulding. Perhaps you’ve played with my balls”.

Mother Goose: "Hiram and I are going to spend a quiet evening at home tonight".

Grimmy to Ralph: "They're turning off their hearing aids". (Mike Peters)