6498 - Saturday jokes

I called my mom to see if she could come pick me up from this sleepover that I wasn't having fun at. She told me "No way. You're 38 now and that's your wife and kids. You have to stay!”

I'm an alpha MAGA. I fear nothing — except trans, gay, Brown, Black, Muslim, and non-American people. Oh, and job numbers, fair elections, vaccines, rainbows, cities, education, socialism, pronouns, democracy, Taylor Swift, and Sesame Street.

True conversation heard at Applebee's, "She would really like him if it wasn't for his personality".

My son proposed to his girlfriend about six months ago. They're super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week. Should I say anything? Oh and also, he's 4. They're all 4.

Marriage is realizing that your wife wants you to be quiet, but also talk to her, but also leave her alone, but also give her attention.

A bounty hunter rode into town one morning and went into the Sheriff's office. "Anyone with a price on his head round these parts?" asked the Bounty Hunter. 

"Well," said the Sheriff, "there's a $500 reward, dead or alive, for the Brown Paper Kid." 

"The Brown Paper Kid?!" Exclaimed the Bounty Hunter. "Who in tarnation is the Brown Paper Kid?" 

"He's a varmint who wears a hat made from brown paper," replied the Sheriff. "His coat is made from brown paper. His shirts are made from brown paper. He wears pants made from brown paper and his boots are made from brown paper." 

"Well," says the Bounty Hunter, "and what's he wanted for?" 

The Sheriff replied, "He's wanted for rustling".

I think it’s foolish to spend so much on clothes to impress someone we want to be naked with. (Bilbo)

Today I'm choosing kindness, but we'll see.

It's still early.

My daughter told me she didn't want to eat pork tongue because it came out of a pigs mouth.

So I gave her an egg.

Just once I’d like to spiral into control. (Bilbo)

We have instant access to limitless information. It’s SO easy to not be wrong and yet some people stubbornly insist on it.

If we’re ever in a situation where I am the voice of reason, you’d better get yourself an attorney. (Bilbo)

Comedian Steve Hofstetter's FB page...

Gordan to Steve: Your and idiot.

Steve: Holy hell. You wrote three words and you got two of them wrong. Bravo. 

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $15.00. So I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it for $4.50!

I just saw this online: “I thought the White House already had a ballroom where they store the testicles of Congressional republicans.” (Bilbo)

If you're trying to distract us from the Epstein files and the fact you're a rapist, maybe don't go onto the White House roof. Cuz we're all gonna call you the "Diddler on the Roof".

Just heard some lady in Target yell "WE DONT JUST BUY THINGS TO BUY THINGS" at her kids and now I sorta wish she'd have a talk with me also.

A cow has given birth to four calves.

They have been named Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Moo.

I recently learned that "up and not crying" is an acceptable Norwegian response to questions like "how are you doing?" I'll be immediately adopting this for the days when I am, in fact, up and not crying. (Bilbo)

Be decisive. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

Boobs are natures stress balls. Ironically they come attached to the greatest stress creating device known to man.

BEFORE THE INTERNET, MOST PEOPLE THOUGHT VILLAGES ONLY HAD ONE IDIOT. WOW, WE DID NOT HAVE THAT RIGHT.

Pepsi and Coca-Cola can’t even be in the same restaurant.

And we want world peace.

I hate people who go to sleep as soon as they close their eyes.

It takes me 4 hours, 7 pillow flips, 11 different sleeping positions and 3 trips to the bathroom.

Back when we were kids, we weren't on gluten-free diets.

We ate glue. (White glue, yum)

I saw a guy at Starbucks today with no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop. He just sat there, drinking coffee, like a psychopath!

My grandson asked, “Do trees poop?”. I said, “That’s where #2 pencils comes from“.

Don't be ashamed to fart while peeing. Just remember, rain sometimes comes with thunder.

I order so much from Amazon that if I got a job as an Amazon driver they'd probably just let me work from home.

The day they handed out patience, I left because it was taking too long.

You know what annoys me is when you go to someone's house and they make you take your shoes off at the front door and they don't even have a bouncy castle.

Hooked all my wrist watches together and made a belt.

Turned out to be a waist of time.

Saw someone taking a leek in the produce section today.

I don't think we get smarter with age.

I think we just run out of stupid things to do. (Not me.)

I'm so close to becoming a billionaire!

I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.

Ping Pong is the World's most dangerous sport. 

100% percent of people who play ping pong will eventually die.

Tonight we are having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. 

We found Himalayan in the road.

Just released my own fragrance 

No one in the car seemed to like it.

Being an adult is so weird. 

I'm just unsupervised all the time.

Why couldn't the jalapeño practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

If you exchange two ten cent coins for 4 nickels you have a paradime shift.

Them: I eat mostly whole foods. 

Me: So do I. Whole pizzas, whole can of biscuits, whole cakes, whole bags of Doritos, whole tub of ice cream.

You can lead a person to the Internet,

but you can't make them think.

Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.

Me in HR office: "Does this rule apply to me?"

HR: "A lot of these rules are because of you, so yes."

 

As I get older, I don't really sleep anymore.

It's more of a doze between pee breaks.