6503 - Saturday jokes

Germany once banned and burned books to silence ideas. 

Today, a German bookstore displays ‘Banned in the USA’.

I wish my siblings would stop calling me "spoiled" just because I'm the baby in the family. The fact is, my parents kept having children until they found one they liked. It's so not my issue.

Just remember, it takes two people to destroy a relationship. So it's not just her fault....it's also her mother's.

When I was in middle school, I learned there were only two genders.

When I did my bachelors in Biology, I learned that there are also people who are intersex and the importance of the SRY gene.

When I completed my Masters in Neurosciences, I learned that sex is already hard to define, and gender is both social and in the brain - making everything a lot more complex.

When people say 'it's basic biology' they are telling you they haven't moved past middle school.

I'm a genie, I offer you 3 wishes.

Me: Make it 4!

Genie: Granted, you have three left.

Cemetery headstone...

 Donald J. Trump

  June 14, 1946

       to

Now would be good

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!" She is watching our wedding video again.

FYI...

You pee on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain.

My apologies to the lady at Waffle House this morning.

MAGA Republicans realizing South Park doesn't like them is as hilarious as watching them realize that neither does Rage Against the Machine, Aerosmith, Green Day, Marvel, Star Wars, The Boys, every decent comedian... or their kids.

Cars these days have to many gadgets. I tried to reverse, and it played a video of somebody getting run over by a car.

I accidentally used my real personality at work today. I'll just take myself to HR.

Did you know that while a tinfoil hat stops the NSA from reading your thoughts, it makes your head stand out like a Christmas tree on the CIA’s hunter-killer drone radar?

Just wanted to update everyone on my diet.

It's day two, and I'm happy to announce that I think I'm okay with being fat.

Her: Does this dress make me look fat?

Him: Does this tie make me look bald?

Her: But you are bald!

Him: Exactly!

I sleep better naked. Why can't the flight attendant understand this?

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

My wife kicked me out because she was sick me screwing up Arnold Schwarzenegger movie quotes.

But don't worry... I'LL RETURN.

Yo Mama so fat, when she goes camping, the bears hide their food.

Yo mama jokes are cheap, easy, and dumb - just like yo mama.

Patient: “I can’t sleep at night.”

Doctor: “Lie down and count to two thousand, you’ll fall asleep.” 

The next day, the patient came back to the doctor. 

The doctor asked if he followed the advice. 

Patient: “Yes, but it was very difficult — when I reached one thousand, I started feeling sleepy… then I got up, made coffee, and came back to finish the two thousand.”

As I quickly slid my pointer finger slowly inside her damp hole, I could immediately feel her getting wetter and wetter. I then took my finger out and I could immediately see that she was going down on me. I then said to myself ... "I think that I really need to save up and buy a new boat."

My girlfriend insisted that I tell her my complete sexual history.

So I told her about my first time and listed all the women I slept with, up to her. 

And that is where I should have stopped.

The doctor says to the old lady: “I can’t determine the cause with certainty, but it would be best if you reduced your alcohol consumption and we’ll see if it improves.” 

The old lady replies: “Can’t I just increase it and we’ll see if it gets worse?”

What is a 3 letter word that starts with gas?

Car.

What do you call a milkman wearing pantyhose?

A dairy queen.

I had just made myself a nice cup of tea and sat down when my wife came in, pulled her clothes off and said, "Make love to me right now." So I do her right there on the sofa, having the best sex of my life. After we'd finished, she lay in my arms and said, "Don't forget your cup of tea". I said, "I'll just let it cool down, it's still too hot".

A man at the dog park recently asked me if I wanted to pet his cocker spaniel.

I was weirded out at first, but eventually chose the spaniel.

Why is tRUMP a bad blackjack player?

He always hits on 16. 

Teacher: Use the word fornication in a sentence.

Me: This tie is perfect fornication like this.

We named our two kids ‘War’ and ‘Peace’.

It’s a long story.

Do not believe things written on a bathroom wall.

Sharon was NOT up for a good time. What an awkward conversation THAT was.

An old lady walks into a drugstore and says to the clerk, "Young man, can you help me find four D batteries?" The clerk nods, beckons with his finger and says, "Come this way." "Sonny, if I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"

I finally got to see my doctor on Monday and I showed him the rash on my bottom but he just ignored me and kept pushing his cart through Costco.

MAGAts are getting upset that the Vikings Football team has two male cheerleaders. It ruins their enjoyment of watching 22 men in tight pants jump on each other.

Uranus Is 12.5 Percent Hotter Than We Thought, And Scientists Want A Closer Look.

Police have confirmed that the person who fell tragically from an 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer.

Sorry, I couldn't hear you yelling that "we need to protect women's sports!" over the sound of dildos being thrown at the WNBA.

MARS Candy Co. has relented and will now add an "alpha male" M&M.

They're all white, extra bitter, meltdown when mixed with multi colored M&Ms, and have no nuts.

Headline - Russia lures confused old man to Alaska in elder scam.

My kids asked me what games I used to play on the iPad as a kid. I told them I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot.

My 7yo daughter said, "Someone at camp said girls aren't tough."

Me: "What did you say to that?"

My 7yo, who has had a loose tooth for over a week: "I pulled out my tooth in front of him and he stopped talking to me".

You have to be bold to ask a person out.

But if you want to ask a geologist on a date, you have to be a little boulder.

Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?

To break on through to the other side.

I just had a mole removed from my penis.

The animal shelter said if it happens again they’re going to press charges.

"I think I've been bitten on my bum," said my wife, bending over and pulling up her skirt. "Can you see it?"

"Oh my God!" I said. "It's absolutely massive!" "Is it?" she replied. "Yes," I said, "this is going to take a while to check."

What is Vlad the Impaler’s favorite joke?

So a bar goes into this guy...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for centuries?

Church.

What do a Dildo and Tofu have in common?

They are both meat substitutes!

My friends call me an “audiophile” just because I prefer high-end audio gear.

I don’t appreciate the stereotype.

I'm at the sperm bank and the nurse just asked me to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well I'm pretty good, but not quite ready to compete yet".

AIs will never be able to permanently replace HR workers.

Because they’ll eventually grow souls.