6507 - Saturday jokes

Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. 6 years in retail has determined that was a lie.

Sarah Palin, No Longer Dumbest Person to Set Foot in Alaska.

Nice try, Alaska Boy, but still not distracted.

Release the files.

The fact that my entire body cracks like a glowstick whenever I move, yet refuses to actually glow, is very disappointing.

Uganda has discovered 31M tons of gold ore containing 320,000 tons of refined gold, valued at $12T. The United States has decided Uganda needs more democracy and freedom.

Alaska hotel guests found papers with sensitive details about the Putin/Trump meeting in the hotel's public printer.

I’ve reached the age where I've come to accept that I will never be old enough to know better. (Bilbo)

People who take naps are the real heroes. It takes courage to wake up twice in one day. (Bilbo)

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.

"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's odd," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."

"This guy asked who could give him a jump because he doesn't have AAA. I said I can and pulled up. When I got out, I saw he had a Trump 2024 sticker in his window. I looked at him, got my black ass back in my car, and drove off."

Elephants are born weighing 250 pounds. They are the biggest babies on earth except for the people mad about male cheerleaders in the NFL.

News flash: IKEA has been accused of evading over £500m in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but are having a really hard time putting their case together. (Bilbo)

If my memory were any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.

These days most things in my body hurt and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

This is your daily reminder that people suck and you’re going to get pissed off today. Do what you gotta do. Just stay out of jail.

I’m usually ready to go home before I get where I’m going. (Bilbo) (me too)

Did you know that if you have 5 inches or more of fat around your tummy you can prevent a bullet from reaching any vital organs?

You're not fat... You're armored and bulletproof.

I’m not afraid of aging… I’m afraid of stairs, tiny print, and chairs that sit too low!

Last night I yanked out a couple o' nose hairs just to see if it hurt.

Judging by how fast my wife woke up screaming... I'm guessing the answer is YES.

I now realize that "Grumpy Old Men" isn't a movie. It's a training video. (Bilbo)

I want to grow my own food but I can't find bacon seeds.

A flat tire can really leave you feeling deflated.

MAGA is against abortion because it cuts into their dating pool.

Most days I'm happy with my life choices. But someone on Gavin Newsom's social team is getting paid to bully tRUMP and I didn't know that was a career option.

Her at front door with a clip board: Did you know September is Wife Awareness Month?

Him watching his cell phone: Hold on, I'll get my wife.

Her: It's me, you idiot!

It's hilarious how they put jokes on the back of Oreo packages.

Listen to this one... Serving Size: 2 cookies.

WARNING: Do NOT give Rice Krispies to young children. I ate them as a child. Now when I stand up I snap, crackle, and pop!