6516 - Saturday Jokes

I've done terrible things for money...

Like, getting up early to go to work.

I didn't mean to push all your buttons...

I was just looking for mute.

I'm often mistaken for an adult because of my age.

I'm undiagnosed, but something ain't right.

It's like my mom always said...

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Retirement to do list...

Wake up.

People say I act like I don't care.

But it's not an act.

August is over. September is here.

Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping.

Happy New Year, everybody.

My wife gave me an envelope marked. "Not to be opened until 2026".

Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

Did you hear about the cook that blew himself up when he combined pasta and antipasti?

I have been nominated for a '25 pushups a day for 25 days' challenge.

I blocked that person.

I bought some batteries but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the other museums.

I once saw a video of a woman holding up a sign that said, "I love you Stevie", at a Stevie Wonder concert.

I think about that a lot.

As my Grandpappy used to say, "If you seen one doppelgänger, you seen 'em both".

I've done a lot of dumb things in life, but at least I've never put ketchup on steak. (I have.)

You know when you tap a video to see how long it's got left? I wish you could do that to people while they're talking. (Bilbo)

To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in.

I enjoy the Way with Words shown by sports commentators. 

Today: "I like the way he used his eyes to see that ball".

You can't buy bitcoin with bitcoin. You have to buy bitcoin with American dollars. That's the clue that it's a scam.

I once tried to surprise my wife by fixing the leaky sink. By the time I was done, the leak was gone… but now the dishwasher, the washing machine, and the neighbor’s sprinklers were somehow running at the same time. She asked, “Did you fix it?” I said, “Technically yes, but we may need to move.” 

I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.

Parenting Life Hack:

Don't punish your kid by taking their games away; log on to their games and get them banned.

Him1: We're not watching porn tonight, are we?

Him2: She changed the wifi password because I called our kid 'the son of the biggest bitch'.

Him1: You meant the biggest son of a bitch, right?

Him2: I said what I said.

I phoned my Scottish boss this morning and said: "Sorry boss, I won't be able to come in today, I've got a bit of a cough".

He said: "You have a wee cough laddie?"

I said: "Ok cheers boss - see you next week!" 

I am far too old to have only just now figured out that typing a word followed by a ? into google will get the definition. (yep)

Doing crunches twice a day now.

Captain in the morning, Nestle in the afternoon.

A waitress asked me if I wanna box for my leftovers.

We went three rounds before she knocked me out.

Trump: "Newsom didn't allow water to come from the Pacific NW. I demanded that to be open. If that were, you wouldn't have had the fires because all the sprinklers would've worked in the houses."  

*** It is MINDBLOWING how dumb he really is.

Those who confuse burro and burrow don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Bert's Books

A third off selected titles...

The Two Musketeers

Fahrenheit 300.66

13,400 Leagues Under The Sea

Catch 14.5

I typed "I'm unstoppable," but my phone changed it to "I'm unstable." ... Probably more accurate.

I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

I am old enough that when I go into an antique store, they ask me to stay.

Me: *tells a funny story about my life* 

Therapist: Okay, so that's called trauma.

Grocery stores should have baskets in the middle of the store for those "I really overestimated how much I can carry" moments.

So it's totally fine for a cat to run and hide under the bed when visitors show up.

But when I do it, suddenly I'm "rude" and "antisocial"?