6519 - Saturday jokes

We saved ourselves for marriage. Not sex, we had lots of sex. We saved our true personalities.

This girl was at Yankees game when suddenly she got her period. She wasn't prepared and went to the bathroom but couldn't find anyone to help her so she decided to use one of her socks. It worked great. She didn't have to leave the game. The only thing was, she came to the game a Yankees fan and left a Red Socks fan.

Once you hit a certain age life is just a delicate balance of trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep. While slowly getting worse at both.

The feeling that rushes over you when the teacher walks up to you during an exam, looks at your paper, then shouts out "guys please make sure you read the questions carefully".

If you choose not to get vaccinated, it's your decision. BUT when you get sick, DO NOT drag your infected ass to a hospital. Don't make the rest of us pay for your choice to get sick. Be proud of your decision – whither & die at home with your freedom.

I started dating a weather girl. It's nice to have a woman that's wrong most of the time.

Looking back at all the successes and failures in my life, I can't help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

When an army chaplain says a prayer before camouflage training is it a blessing in disguise?

Him: I would go all the way to hell and back for you.

Her: You don't have to come back.

Sign on front door...

CAUTION

Nudists live here.

If this lifestyle offends you...

DO NOT knock or ring the bell!

Stephen King predicts tRUMP supporters will deny ever voting for him.

Sign on the new 'predator patio' at the White House...

Children under 16 must not be accompanied by parent or guardian.

It's wild living in the information age and the dark age at the same time.

I have -sexdaily- dyslexia.

Aging is wild. One day you’re invincible, the next your knee makes a noise that sounds like bubble wrap. My warranty expired, the parts are backordered, and the user manual is in a language I don’t understand.

Why is "Dark" spelled with a K, and not a C?

Because you can’t C in the dark!

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. 

Those who prevent history from being taught intend to repeat it.

Trump said Epstein is a Democratic hoax from when Obama was president. But now Trump says he was an FBI informant on Epstein. So tell me... How did Obama get Trump to spy on a hoax?

For those struggling with English:

Don't - do not.

Won't - wo not.

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."

"Well, at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked."

Wind and solar are worthless when the sun isn't shining and the wind isn't blowing. Also, I just threw away my bed because I realized I'm awake most of the time.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

I replied: "No."

She responded: "How about now?"

Left over screws means you have reassembled your computer more efficiently. 

I hate it when I leave stuff in my electronic cart and don't buy it. Then the company emails me and says, "Forgot something?" Yeah, I forgot I don't have $900.

PLEASE HELP! MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF "DOMINANT" AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED "SUBMISSIVE" TO THE WHOLE CLASS.

I have the paper towel habit of a much wealthier person. (Bilbo) (Me to)

I don't support what happened to Charlie.

Charlie supported what happen to Charlie.

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear. (Bilbo) (Me - No and Yes)