6525 - Saturday jokes

If Charlie Kirk were a first grader at school. America would have moved on by now.

Ok, distraction over. Release the Epstein Files. Charlie Kirk would’ve wanted it that way.

Him1: I've never met a happy atheist.

Him2: Maybe it's because they were all meeting you.

When two people argue online, I believe the one who uses punctuation correctly.

I’m surprised that so many Republican politicians are intent on posting the Ten Commandments everywhere. After all, they’re opposed to things that create an oppressive work environment. (Bilbo)

Crow: Excuse me ma'am.

Her: What?

Crow: Would you like to donate to my charity?

Her: Maybe, what's it called?

Crow: CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!

Crow: It's four good caws.

Female comic...

When men ask, "Where do you want me to cum?"

It's not like they're giving you a lot of time to decide.

You can say, "Can I sleep on it?"

And you will.

Sign at a corn maze...

ATTENTION!

If you become lost or confused in the corn maze, stay calm, don't panic, help is on the way.

Every Thursday morning we send a rescue team into the maze to bring out everyone left from the previous weekend.

They are highly trained and can usually locate over TWO-THIRDS of those left behind.

Them: You look exhausted.

Me: I socialized.

When I m bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for.

I'm getting written up at The Olive Garden.

Always check your child's home work...

"My daddy really likes sugar. He even eats it with his nose."

I'm kinda like the package that got messed up during shipping and handling.

Happy B-day to all celebrating it this month! I hope you're celebrating like the way you came into this world. Naked & screaming.

Life is like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll, or you're taking shit from some asshole.

Don’t you hate it when someone you've told to “come by any time" actually comes by? (Bilbo)

The Trump administration saying they will crack down on hate speech is like McDonald’s saying they will crack down on junk food.

It's ODD how many people call me a communist or a socialist, then think it's hate speech to call them fascists.

Her: I've reached a point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men.

I'm calling this new chapter "doughs before bros".

Someone asked if I was ready for the fall and it took me a second to realize they meant autumn and not the total collapse of society. 

It's no longer blue vs red.

It's humanity vs inhumanity. 

I just googled my symptoms turns out I need a ""million dollars & a vacation"" (10 million dollars.)

I can't believe I exist on a planet with the aurora borealis and coral reefs and snow capped alps and mossy stones and sparkling waterfalls and I have to waste most of my life working until I’m like 65 just to finally retire and maybe touch grass before I die.

From the right...

If you think we’re cold hearted assholes now, just wait till Trump dies.

A man hated his wife’s cat so much that he put it in car and drove 20 miles, dumped the cat and drove back home to find the cat was already there. He then drives it 50 miles away and same deal, got home, cat was there again. Dude was hot. So he drove it across country, throws it out the window into the woods. A couple hours later he calls his wife and says “Is that dern cat there”? Wifey says, “Yes, Why?” He says, "Put the dang phone up to its ears, I’m lost and can’t remember how to get home".

Why are they blowing up boats?

They are watching how we react.

Like raptors at the fence, testing for weakness.

It's not the needy who are a problem in this world, it's the greedy.

I'm not quite sure how to tell my friend that I'm imaginary.