6530 - Saturday jokes

I came home today to find my daughter has been on eBay all day long.

If she’s still on there tomorrow, I'll have to lower the price.

I'm gonna be a terrible ghost because as hard as it is to get ahold of me now, just wait and see how fast I decline a Ouija board call.

Here's what we do: Just tell tRUMP that Obama went to school at the electoral college and he will dismantle it.

Steve Hofstetter:

While I can still post what I want here, Donald Trump is an incompetent tiny-handed mushroom-dicked racist sexist narcissistic violent potato-faced fragile imbecilic fraud of a man-child pedophile who would kill his own son for a chance to fuck his daughter.

And he sucks at golf.

I always said that when I retired, I was going to travel. I just never expected it would be mostly to the doctor's office. (Bilbo) (And to the bathroom.)

Vaccines are a tricky thing. On one hand we have thousands of qualified scientist saying they're good. But then on the other hand we have one weird guy, who sounds like a drowning lawnmower, saying they're bad. So I'm not sure. 

I don't judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, gender, ability, or size. I base it on whether or not they're an asshole.

Did you know if you treat conservatives the same way they treat minorities, they get very upset?

Meme conundrum...

When you want to repost a meme because you agree,

but the spelling is so bad you don't want people to think you're dumb too.

I've decided I'm going to avoid everything that makes me fat:

pictures, mirrors, scales...

While setting up a voice recognition password on my new phone, a dog barked nearby and ran away.

Now I'm looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

BREAKING: Less than 24 hours after he announced an insane $100,000 fee for H1-B visa applicants – and the huge backlash he got from it – Trump pulled it. Thank you TACO! ... UPDATE – It's back on again. TACO taco'd himself!!

If MAGA wants to go to war with the groypers, let them fight.

My ducks are not in a row. I don’t even know where most of them are. And I’m pretty sure at least one of them is a pigeon. (Bilbo)

I don't mean to brag, but I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies. (Bilbo)

People should give more credit to Trump for stopping the war between Azerbaijan and Acetaminophen.

If you think Tylenol is bad for children's health, just think about what guns do.

Please stop calling me autistic. That is a slur.

I am a Tylenol-American.

I’m walking through the jungle and happen upon a clearing with this lizard telling jokes. I stopped and listened for a couple minutes and said to the tribesman next to me, “Hey, this lizard’s pretty funny.” So the tribesman says, “That’s no lizard. That’s a stand up chameleon.”

 

Who's skull is that with the top cut off?

His name is Phillip.

What's are you drinking out it? 

Vodka and orange juice.

What?!

It's a Phillip's head screwdriver.

It is much more striking who DIDN’T speak at Kirk's funeral—neither of his parents, no siblings, no old friends, just his wife, Carlson, and a whole lineup of Trump people he *maybe* knew getting in their talking points.

I love the phrase "bear with me" because it can either mean "be patient" or "the zoo heist was a success".

MAGA world is MELTING DOWN over a report that Pope Leo XIV is going to replace the New York cardinal who compared Charlie Kirk to "Saint Paul" with a pro-immigrant, anti-gun bishop.

Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older - it’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror. (Bilbo)

Hugo Chavez loses spot in Guinness book for most batshit UN speech.

I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle, But it steel wooden whistle.

So I bought a lead whistle, but it steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a copper whistle, but the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.

Researchers from Tylenol find alarming link between Donald Trump and Jeffery Epstein.

I just saw this fella going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers, and rabbit's feet.

I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”

Why do I post here?

To disturb the humorless and humor the disturbed.