6339 - Saturday jokes

#Procrastination wins!

If I had started downloading 1 terabyte 30 years ago (1995) using only the technology from that time, I would be downloading at 28.8 kilobits per second (Kbps) and it would take 32 years to download that single terabyte. So, in 2027 it would be complete.

Today, if I started to download a terabyte at my house at 8am it would be done by lunch time (noon).  

The morale of the story, it sometimes pays just to wait. 

Bonus: The largest hard drive in 1995 was 1 Gigabyte. Thus you would need over 1000 hard drives to download 1 terabyte.

A very philosophical friend asked me, “What is Earth without art?”

I just looked at him and said, “Eh?”

Baldwin is a cool name. 

It is the opposite of Hairloss.

The importance of text vs. voice:

Friend calls - Hey, I’m in the middle of your town.  What’s your address.  I’ll come see you.

Me - We are at 666 New Design Road.  See you in about 10 minutes.

ONE HOUR LATER

Friend texts - Give me your address again. I can’t find your street.

I text back - 666 New Design Road.

Friend texts - Well, that explains it.  I was looking for 666 Nudie Sign Road.

G1: When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels.

G2: Why?

G1: Sometimes.

Before the Internet, most people thought villages had only one idiot. Boy, were they wrong. (Bilbo)

Them: How much faith do you have in the human race?

Me: I'm a dog person. (Peggy)

My midlife crisis is over - I’m working on my senior life catastrophe. (Bilbo)

It's sad that we're living in a time when people are proud of what they used to be ashamed of. (Bilbo)

Pro Tip: When you sign up for anything online, put the website’s name as your middle name.

Now when you receive spam, you will know who sold your data.

"The truth has no defense against a fool determined to believe a lie." - Mark Twain

If I could find a country that wouldn't take immigrants in, I'd move there.

Guy1: Bro, have you ever had an argument with your girlfriend?

Guy2: Nope. Me and my girl don't argue. She tells me to shut up and I do.

Him - post: I've fucked dozens and dozens of women and not a single one was able to cum. It's biologically impossible for women to achieve orgasm. I don't know why you all just be lying for no reason.

Her - comment:  Dude, My best friend made me cum 31 times on my 31st birthday. The problem is YOU. Learn how to use your hands and your mouth and stop thinking your penis is magic.

Bankrupt farmland will be perfect for building data centers and then provide the groundwater

to cool the data centers.

ICE agent: Stop calling us Nazis or we're going to take you to one of our concentration camps.

So I was walking past the YMCA this afternoon and there was a teenage boy sitting outside stroking some feathers. I said, "Young man, there's no need to feel down.”

Interviewee: Probably 1987, in my bedroom, thinking about my best friends mom.

Interviewer: No, I said tell me about the WEST BANK.

People are so dumb cooking food at 350 degrees for 40 minutes when they could just do the math and cook it a 14,000 degrees for one minute.

Next they’re going to tell us autism is caused by the demand to release the Epstein files. - Steve Hofstetter

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years.

My friend called and said, “I’ve just had a huge row with the wife. Do you have a spare bed for a few weeks until I find a flat?"

I replied, “I’ve a sofa, if that’s any good?”

“Perfect,” he said, “You’re an absolute legend! I’ll send her over in a bit.”

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes. When I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

Does this couch I’m lying on make me look unmotivated?

Dating when you’re older is like trying to find a cart with good wheels at Walmart.