6344 - Saturday jokes

Obama: Hey tRUMP, you wanna hear a joke? Nobel Peace Prize!

tRUMP: I don't get it.

Obama: Exactly!

Don’t worry, Donald. You’re still eligible for the No Ball Prize.

tRUMP, putting the NO in Nobel Peace Price.

The Nobel Committee should be awarded the Nobel Prize for Sanity.

A teacher is checking the attendance roll when she comes across the name 'Hijkm". She says, "I'm sorry, I'm not sure how to pronounce the name", then spells it out to the class. A girl raises her hand and says, "That's me and it's pronounced Noelle".

Anti-vaxxers, how do you feel about your Dear Leader getting a flu vaccine and Covid booster? It's almost as if he took you for complete suckers.

I don’t have a train of thought, I have a Roomba of thought. It can move straight ahead, but as soon as it bumps into something, it turns around and starts moving in a brand-new, random direction. (Bilbo)

They held a contest to choose the best neckwear.

It was a tie.

Daughter: Alexa play “Let it Go.”

Me: When I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don't know what any of that means.

Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.

I was walking a pretty girl home from school one day when we ran upon one the school bullies. Good thing I was carrying her books or she wouldn't have been able to beat him up.

Medical researchers have determined stress will kill you. Great ... one more thing to worry about. (Bilbo)

Apparently it takes 10,000 hours to master a skill, which can't be true because I've been an adult a lot longer than 10,000 hours and I still have no idea what I'm doing.

I was watching a show called "Ten Ways to Avoid a Shark Attack." Surprisingly, "Stay Out of the Water" didn't make the list.

Whoever came up with "a penny for your thoughts", "don't nickel and dime me", and "another day another dollar" sure knew how to coin a phrase. (I know I know!)

You can be miserable before you eat a cookie. And you can be miserable after you eat a cookie. But you can't be miserable while you're eating a cookie.

You donate a kidney, you're a hero.

You donate three kidneys, and suddenly the police are involved.

Gf: The only easel they sell here is $85. Should I get it?

Me: Well, is it a good brand, like a Vind?

Gf: It just says Staples.

Me: Go to another store. If I'm dropping almost $100 on an easel, it better be a Vind.

Gf: What's so special about a Vind eas... Oh, fuck you!

Husband: The nerve of that doctor. Saying I'm so old that he referred me to an archaeologist.

Wife: Audiologist, dear. You can't hear.

Her: See you later, love you xxx

Him: Love you too.

Her: Babe, it would mean a lot to me if you'd put some X's at the end of your replies. xxx

Him: OK, love you too, Donna, Jackie, Karen, and Becky.

I'm not sure I agree with the idea that "when you snooze you lose." At my age, snoozing seems more like winning to me. (Bilbo)

Sign in doctors waiting room...

If you die while waiting to see the doctor, please cancel your appointment.

My go-to workout is 30 minutes of cardio followed by two weeks of rest. (Bilbo) (30?! - Just two weeks?!)

IF YOU ARE ARGUING LOUDLY ON YOUR PHONE IN PUBLIC, PLEASE PUT IT ON SPEAKER, I NEED TO HEAR BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY.

I had a girl friend that entered a wet t-shirt contest. Her left boob was bigger than her right. She came in first and second.

I went for a run this morning, but came back home after two minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm over 70 and can't run for more than two minutes. (Bilbo)