6348 - Saturday jokes

At a couples counseling meeting the speaker mentioned that couples are so disconnected that 85% of husbands don't know their wives favorite flower. 

Mick turned to his wife and whispered, "It's self rising, right?"

Front doormat -

WELC...

Wait, who did you vote for?

Trump: “I do not think any President has ever ended a war. One war. I did eight of them”.

Me: Kinda feels like we’re all living in a giant mental hospital with him.

I’d rather be an American than a Trump supporter.

Shannon Kobylarczyk, the woman who went viral for telling a US citizen and veteran she would call ICE on him for cheering on the LA Dodgers has been FIRED.

What’s Irish and stays out all night? 

Patty O’Furniture.

A leaked Young Republican group chat included horrific violence, racism, sexism, antisemitism, and homophobia.

The thing about it that really surprises me is that anyone else was surprised.

They’re giving all this money to Argentina so they have a safe place to go when the international trials start.

Scientists have discovered the 99.9% of those who are told to "Hold your horses!!" do NOT in fact HAVE horses.

If I understand the MAGAs in my comment section, No Kings was poorly attended and the pictures are fake, but also those in attendance were friendless losers, but also those in attendance were groups of unemployed people, but also those in attendance were paid to be there, but also the attendance doesn't matter because the protests won't change anything, but also if things change it's not because of the protests, but also… (Steve Hofstetter)

Meme...

When you spend $61M on your own birthday parade.

(Picture of tRUMPs parade with minimal attendance)

When a day is dedicated solely to tell you what a dick you are.

(Picture of one of the many packed protests)

Wife: Why are you pulling over?

Me: Hand me the phone!

Wife: We're on the freeway!

Me: HAND. ME. THE. PHONE!!

(Mileage numbers on the speedometer)

867530.9

You know that feeling you get after you wake up from what was supposed to be a 20-minute nap and aren't sure what day it is? (Bilbo)

Mind: I gotta do this thing.

Body: You did something yesterday; that's enough things. (Bilbo)

Sign on laundry room door...

This laundry rommis only for the resistance of bldg 884 & 885.

All authorized solder must sign in at staff duties laundry log where your resistancy will be verified.

A lady just asked me what "mansplaining" is. I think it's a trap. We've been staring at each other in silence for a half an hour now.

I discovered that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters.

Oh, here we go again. Here's two dressed as policemen.

Filling a whoopee cushion with chocolate pudding adds a whole new dimension to the joke.

tRUMP: Everybody wants to have sex with me.

Obama: Donald, that's not what "fuck tRUMP" means.

Guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says sir, "You have a steering wheel in your pants?" Man replies, "I know, it's driving me nuts!".

I drove by a cemetery the other day and my son asked how many dead people are buried in that cemetery. I looked at him and said, "All of them, I hope."

Comment: Food stamps should not be used to buy soda.

Reply: Wild how a poor person buying a $1 soda with food stamps sends you into a moral panic. But billionaires writing off private jets and yachts on their taxes? Not a peep. Your outrage is as cheap as that soda.

The best part about No Kings was the comforting proof that millions of us still haven't lost our goddamn minds.

Protest sign...

tRUMP is fucking America because he can't fuck his daughter.

tRUMP said the No Kings protests were "very small and ineffective".

That's exactly what Stormy Daniels said about YOU.

On the Bubbles Adult Nightclub sign...

"20 beautiful ladies"

   "39 sexy legs"

Could someone explain which crimes get you deported and which ones get you elected president? It's so confusing.

I knew school was a scam when my business teacher didn't own a business, and my PE teacher was fat.

A guy is invited to a Halloween party where the host insists that everyone wear a costume. When he gets there though, he shows up in blue jeans and flip flops, not even a shirt.

The host, a little miffed, asks the guy somewhat sarcastically,

"And just what are you supposed to be dressed as?"

"I'm a premature ejaculation!"

"....what?"

"Yeah! I just came in my jeans."

A man is driving to an important meeting. He's running late, completely stressed, and can't find a parking spot anywhere.

In desperation, he looks up to the sky and says, "Lord, please help me find a parking spot. If you do, I swear I'll quit drinking and go to church every single Sunday!" At that exact moment, a car pulls out of a spot right in front of him. The man looks up to the sky again and says, "Ah, never mind. Found one!"

I got kicked out and banned from the local Laser Tag arena.

Apparently, they frown on you using a knife to save ammo.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say, 'Yeah? When?'

A pastor is driving home after services one day with his son in the front passenger seat. His son being 6 is starting to ask questions about everything he notices, and he can see the boy is working up a question from the look on his face and asks, "what you thinking about there, buddy?"

"Well, I noticed before you start your sermon, you stand there looking down for a while and don't say anything. Why do you do that?"

The pastor is really moved he noticed such a subtle detail of spiritual significance, "Well, buddy, I am praying to God that I am able to give a good sermon that really moves people's hearts and excites them."

The pastor is relishing in such a meaningful beautiful moment, when he looks over and notices he has and even more confused look. "Well, what is it now buddy?"

"Why doesn't God answer your prayer, then?"

Two hunters shot an elk and started dragging it by the hind legs back to their truck. It’s huge and heavy, and a solid hour of dragging later, they meet an indigenous man. He says ‘hey, you’re pulling it the wrong way - if you pull the antlers, the fur will slide along the ground and it will be easier to pull’.

The hunters are impressed by this wisdom and thank the man. They start pulling the elk by the antlers and sure enough, it’s much easier. But half an hour later, one turns to the other and says, ‘Hey, that guy wasn’t so smart after all - we’re right back where we started!’

Me: "Is this seat taken?"

Girl: "I have a boyfriend."

Me: "Look I'm over 70. I just need to sit down.” (Bilbo)

It's officially "surprise in your coat pocket from last winter" season.

My daughter was doing history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo. I said, "He was a poor boy from a poor family.”

Can’t wait to see how MAGA pretends that the Trump-supporting, gun-loving, confederacy-promoting, cis straight white man, who tried to shoot up the Atlanta airport was somehow not one of theirs. (Steve Hofstetter)

Founding fathers: We never wrote a rule against electing felons. We mistakenly assumed America wouldn't be that stupid.

Calling it “the nuclear option,” House Speaker Mike Johnson opted on Tuesday to enter a medically induced coma to avoid swearing in newly elected congresswoman Adelita Grijalva.