Scientists have combined the DNA of a cheetah with the DNA of a crab.
Things went sideways really fast. (John)
Am I the only person in the country who has no idea who Sydney Sweeny is and why she’s famous? (Bilbo) (Yes)
People tell me I have a lot of patience. Actually, there are just too many witnesses around. (Bilbo)
So many people have inspired me to be nothing like them.
Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else. (Bilbo)
Kid Rock makes music for people who know exactly how much Sudafed you can get for a catalytic converter.
I was trying to pronounce the name of my medication and accidentally summoned Satan.
Of all the heinous things Donald Trump has done, by far the most unforgivable is making me agree with Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Let's be honest. If dogs could talk, I'd have no need for people.
A Montana town that voted 89% for Donald Trump is holding a “pedophile bonfire” in its public park for anyone who wants to burn their Trump flags and MAGA hats.
Therapy only works if you have a lower IQ than the therapist.
Some people are so judgmental. You can tell just by looking at them.
The next time someone tells you that America isn’t racist, remind them that this nation is willing to accept treason, and child abuse from a white president but not healthcare from a Black one.
Happy 8-year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up "when I get a minute".
She's got a soft heart and a filthy mouth.
Sort of like a Hallmark card written by Samuel L. Jackson.
Watching your cute daughter go out with her not so good looking friends is the worst, because you know who is going to get hit on all night.
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
My niece asked me how I knew Santa was a man. Grandma blurts out, "Because he shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a ho and leaves while your sleeping."
Glad my room is to the left. The right side of the hall doesn't sound peaceful.
< 1902 - 1913 1914 - 1918>
A man at a funeral interrupts the priest and says, "Excuse me, do you have the WiFi password?"
The priest stares at him and says, "Good God man, have some decency. This is your mother's funeral!"
And the man says, "Is that all lower case?"
If you don't show up at my funeral, I not going to yours.
Somebody called me today and tried to sell me a casket. I told him that was the last thing I needed.
When I was eighteen, I had a job where I was over 2,500 people. I was cutting grass in a cemetery.
I went to a church whose Wi-Fi password was: ThePromisedLan.
How many dead people are in that cemetery? All of them.
Well, Dad, I’ve decided! I’m gonna get married.
Who’re you gonna marry, son?
Lisa, Mike’s daughter.
Oh, don’t marry her, son, you know… Ah, fine! I’ll admit it — I sinned in my youth — long story short, she’s your sister.
Well then, maybe I’ll marry Emily, the neighbor girl…
No, son, I messed up back in the day… she’s your sister too.
Then how about Mandy from the next block…
Don’t take her either. Same story — she’s also your sister.
At this point Mom can’t take it anymore and yells from the kitchen:
Don’t listen to that idiot! Marry whoever you want — he’s not your father anyway!
I love discussing Japanese poetry with my pet pigeon.
I say, “Hi.” He says “Coo.”
What is faster than the escalator?
An escasooner!
What is the difference between the genealogist and the gynecologist?
The genealogist looks up the family tree, the gynecologist looks up the family bush.
What’s the similarity between a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver?
They can both smell it but they can't eat it.
Historians continue to uncover details about the knights of King Arthur's court. Recently discovered knights include Arthur's abstract painter and Jamaican priest.
Sir Real and Sir Mon.
How can you convert dollars to pounds?
Visit McDonalds.
A man asks his son what he learned at school today.
The son thinks for a moment, and responds: "Well Dad, I learn that black people like Sony best, and Asians like Panasonic, and the brown people prefer Bose."
"Oh son," the father responds. "Those are just stereo-types".
Doctor says, "So you want something to reduce the swelling in your penis?"
Patient, "No, I was hoping you could make it permanent."
After a night of heavy drinking a husband comes home to find his wife in bed with a strange man. The husband goes to the dresser and pulls out a Colt .45 pistol and puts it to his own temple. The wife and lover start laughing, but the husband cuts them off and says, "Don't laugh, you fuckers are next."
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