6365 - Saturday jokes

Him: Taught my kids how socialism works. Let them trick or treat while I stayed home. Then took all their candy. Socialism 101.

Us: The socialism part is where the community came together and fed your kids for free. The capitalism part is where you made them do all the work and stole from them.

Some people are walking around who are still "it" from recess 50 years ago and don't even know it.

It's hard to believe I used to be 6 lbs, 7 oz.

I've really let myself go!

NYC has shocked the world by electing a normal guy instead of a billionaire backed pervert.

Funny that people think Zohran Mamdani will force you to become a Muslim. Not a single person who's knocked on my door to convert me was a Muslim.

Karen: I need to speak to the Manager. I want to talk to someone who knows what is going on. 

Employee: Ok, here is the deal, I can go get one or the other.

Trump is freaking out that his "Truth" Social AI bot went completely rogue by saying Trump lied about the 2020 election, that he was behind January 6, and failed to bring down prices... in other words, the truth.

It's time to start calling Nationalist Christians "Nat C's".

tRUMP was not "Gods plan".

tRUMP was God's test and evangelicals failed it.

Christian nationalism is just white supremacy in bible drag.

Christian nationalism is just sharia law with bacon and beer.

How do you get away with committing a crime against a deaf person?

Break their fingers so they can't tell anyone.

Have you heard that they stopped making pennies?

The Treasury said they just didn't make sense anymore.

A woman is caught shoplifting a bag of apples. In court the judge says, "I don't usually do this but to set an example, I'm sentencing you to spend a day in jail, one for each apple. That's a week in total." Her husband raises his hand, "Your honor, I have to confess, she also stole a bag of rice the day before."

Did you hear that Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?

The super color fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious.

Why cant Amish people play baseball?

Because, a swing! And Amish!

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet.

The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

New York is the exact opposite of Minnesota. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where Minneapolis.

What did the guy from the Village People say when he asked the guy from the Beastie Boys about his stage name?

Why MCA?

The battlefield quickly turned into an orgy.

Cupid: Sorry! These are the only arrows I have.

A woman in the washroom calls out to her husband, "I need your help with something!" He walks in on his wife sitting on the toilet. "Can you tie my shoe for me, please?" "You've gotta be kidding me," the man replies. Wife says, "Nope! I shit, you knot."

I am such a loser. 

I once entered the Worlds Biggest Loser Competition.

I came second. 

Why are all disabled people in Hell?

Because it's a stairway to Heaven.

My wife said she wants more romance in our marriage. So I lit some candles, dimmed the lights, put on soft music, and held her hands gently. She smiled and said, “This is lovely, what made you do all this?” I said, “Power cut. Wi-Fi’s gone. You were my last entertainment option."

An IRS inspector audits a hospital's books. He asks the CFO what they do with leftover bandages, and the CFO says they send them back to the company for an occasional free box. The auditor then asks about leftover plaster from casts, and the CFO gives a similar answer, saying they send it back to the manufacturer for an occasional free package. The auditor, trying to trap the CFO, asks what they do with leftover foreskins from circumcisions. The CFO replies that they save them up, send them to the IRS office, and about once a year, the IRS sends them a complete dick.